"Two things define you:
your patience when you have nothing
&
your attitude when you have everything"
Hi guys! Sorry for the lack pf updates recently, was busy settling into school: need to get used to the new timetable which SUCKS. I have lessons till 7pm on Mon and Tues, 6pm on wednesday ): good luck to me for the next sem, maybe i can lose weight hheheeeeheh.
Went swimming today with Grace and we were supposed to swim at 10am but..............in the end we swam at 2.30pm and it was only like 5 laps??!?? Ok at first it was too hot so we waited then when we waited to swim, there were 2 guys in the pool and the pool is fricking small so as usual, I made a fuss and we walked the entire neighbourhood to find any condos to sneak into. But, we didnt so we went back and got the courage to swim with them. It was only 5 laps but i was damn tired sobs so my stamina so sucky so we went to bathe and change. Proceeded to have lunch after walking for like 20 mins becus 'everything with a pinch of salt' closed, thai cuisine no wifi, italian food closed so we finally settled at the ground bar and cafe. Got toffee apple cider !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And thin crust pizza followed by h2h with rum and raisin ice cream *-*
Was talking about popularity today and I realised i don't reallly have a personality. I'm always a mixture. I'm friendly but I'm cold too. I smile alot but I frown alot too. I like noise but i hate noise too. I love excitement but i dislike the thrill sometimes. There's no constant in me. People like their food sweet or savoury but i like mine sweet/savoury depending on my mood. I realise there is no definite in me. I'm highly unstable, maybe this explains why im so fickle. I take a long time to decide what i want and sometimes i hesitate even though i know i want it.
I learnt about easy and difficult child today and i realise im a mixture. I laugh and cry easily. I get upset easily. I get happy easily. I'm easily contented. The next minute, I'm not. I don't even know what colour i like, that's how much i dont know about myself.
And that, is utterly depressing. How can i even try to understand people when i don't even know what kind of person i am
I sincerely hope that i will find out what my personality is and i shall give up the thought of being popular because in this life, im meant for other things, not this.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
): when will i ever be happy
ugh just saw something that ruined my whole mood. I was so happy that we closed at 9 today but ugh nevermind. Her tweets never fail to piss me off. Why are you so popular?? Why do so many guys talk to you? What makes you so good? What's so attractive about you? Why do everybody loves you?
Stuck in this downward spiral of self-hatred once again. Was talking to Grace today and I told her all my insecurities sigh like my fat nose etc (small lips...) and she say Im quite pretty. How is that even possible......if im pretty i wont be looking like this at all.
I'm never contented i guess, trying so hard but i can't -cries-
rebonded my hair and it looks ok yay now second task: get piercings
i give up trying to forget about you becus that's not possible at all
Stuck in this downward spiral of self-hatred once again. Was talking to Grace today and I told her all my insecurities sigh like my fat nose etc (small lips...) and she say Im quite pretty. How is that even possible......if im pretty i wont be looking like this at all.
I'm never contented i guess, trying so hard but i can't -cries-
rebonded my hair and it looks ok yay now second task: get piercings
i give up trying to forget about you becus that's not possible at all
Sunday, October 13, 2013
i cut my hair
"Your mind is a garden,
your thoughts are the seeds,
you can grow flowers,
or you can grow weeds"
Hello guys, it's been awhile since I've blogged and alot of things happened recently. I feel the need to get all of this off my chest or else I can't sleep. Hmm where do i start....ok firstly, i cut my hair??!!??
And i kinda liked it, as in the length. I love my long hair, like really, the length and how it made me feel so feminine but it made me look mature seriously, People were usually saying i look older than my age (20-21) when im actually only 17 (not even 17 pls) so yeah after cutting my hair, i feel more refreshed and happier!! I feel that shorter hair makes me look younger and more energetic heheehe nowadays i feel more hyped up and i see so many people like erica and tricia looking so cute with shorter hair that i want to look like that too although im 100x way uglier than them.
secondly, i got fringe!!!!!!!! People who know me personally know that i have curly hair (not in a nice way) so its hard to maintain a nice fringe. BUT this time it's okay! Unexpected suprise hahaah the fringe looks nice and the length is perf. The only thing I don't like about my hair now is that the roots have grown out the past year so it's like not exactly straight all the way? It's more like poofy hair ahhhhh which is why im going to rebond my hair tomorrow but im really scared.....i hope it's not pin straight cause those hair are damn ugly and im going town straight.
A few days ago, or rather two days ago, i cried. It wasn't those normal crying where you will stop after a while and make all those sniffing noises. It's the kind of crying that tears just flowed uncontrollably and no matter how much you try to control your tears, it just flowed by itself. Whenever I try to talk, my voice just seem as if it got stuck?? My voice sounded damn croaky and hoarse, i can only talk loudly and i can't control my emotions at all. I was in a mess. And to think all these crying is caused by work.
I guess it's partly PMS cause I got my period yesterday but work really drives me crazy. It's like a machine that sucks away all my happiness and it always leaves me feeling so drained and empty. I don't even know why im so tired of working compared to other part timers. During work, i feel ok. I feel bored, sleepy, hungry but not rly unhappy. Just nuances of it like no lunch/dinner or some chef pissed me off but not like im grumpy the whole day. However, after work, all the negative feelings will start to overtake the positive ones and i will come home pissed, frustrated, unhappy. Then, if my mum asks me to work, i will scream and throw tantrums and hate work. Then, somehow despite all these hatred, i do look forward to work? Am i crazy or bi-polar or what. Maybe it's cause i know i play a important role in the restaurant but that day, i reached my limit.
The event was HELL. it was so noisy and cramped and did i mention the fact that i hate vain girls? I sometimes complain to people that girls are as annoying and bitchy as hell when I am a girl. i hate girls because they are so annoying?! Like camwhoring and insta and selfies and bitch talks (things I dont do usually or traits i hate about myself) I feel it's so insignificant and i rly cannot take nice selfies so im probably jealous some girls can do it and i cant so i hate it. Then, the event is a makeup event?! and there are girls who are dressed like dollls (WHICH I HATE) those fucking ugly big eye thick mascara and eyelash and act cute face. Wah i cannot.
Then, the trainee pissed me off so bad. She was going around giving ideas on what to do and giving the wrong information and being all stubborn and shit and insisting everything going her way when it's obviously wrong?!!?? Refusing to listen and stuff and all these shit. Not only that, head chef pissed me off by telling me off about some stupid macarons when he clearly is trying to vent his anger on someone. On top of all these, the event was complete chaos as there was no briefing beforehand like what kind of glasses to use and the office people had some conflict before the event. so the event was so bad and i had no lunch..... that's the worse part for someone who ate 3 plates of rice and 6 potatoes cubes plus veggies for LUNCH today. I was starving that i ate 2.5 bowls of rice for dinner after that (0.5 is alina's share ooops).
Didn't manage to take photos with that pretty girl but im so happy that she finally got a boyfee heehhehe so happy for her and they are so cute together. And alina is so pretty *~* she has nice features and she looks so freaking cute ahhhh can't wait to go out with her again.
Today's god bday so we had the event but im having my period so i didn't do much today. God said i think too much which is damn true. My semantic network is too good (psychology revision), basically i link anything to everything. Unfortunately, good thing is i remember alot of things. Bad side, i think too much about everything and worry too much for my own good. I don't appreciate whatever i have. I'm never satisified.
I'm greedy.
I eat fast to get another serving or to get more time so i can use it on something else. I study hard to get results and im not contented with 3.6 although everyone says it's quite good. I sleep 7-8 hrs so i can wake up early to do some work and not waste time. I multi-task and im always trying to find some easy way out if i can so i can get the same amount of work done with lesser effort. I'm greedy that i try to make sure nobody shortchange me. This results me in being unhappy all the time.
I need to change. Sitting at the back of the lorry today, I felt free. It's been a while since i felt that way. Looking at the night scenery with the cool wind blowing against me, i feel invincible and free and happy. I hope to feel that way. Always. Thank you for this wake up call. I need to do things that makes me happy.
#1: rebond hair
#2: get more piercings
#3: be toned
ok 3 is enough for now. I will work hard on this 3 before i set new goals. Mission 'improve yourself' starts now
xoxo
your thoughts are the seeds,
you can grow flowers,
or you can grow weeds"
Hello guys, it's been awhile since I've blogged and alot of things happened recently. I feel the need to get all of this off my chest or else I can't sleep. Hmm where do i start....ok firstly, i cut my hair??!!??
And i kinda liked it, as in the length. I love my long hair, like really, the length and how it made me feel so feminine but it made me look mature seriously, People were usually saying i look older than my age (20-21) when im actually only 17 (not even 17 pls) so yeah after cutting my hair, i feel more refreshed and happier!! I feel that shorter hair makes me look younger and more energetic heheehe nowadays i feel more hyped up and i see so many people like erica and tricia looking so cute with shorter hair that i want to look like that too although im 100x way uglier than them.
secondly, i got fringe!!!!!!!! People who know me personally know that i have curly hair (not in a nice way) so its hard to maintain a nice fringe. BUT this time it's okay! Unexpected suprise hahaah the fringe looks nice and the length is perf. The only thing I don't like about my hair now is that the roots have grown out the past year so it's like not exactly straight all the way? It's more like poofy hair ahhhhh which is why im going to rebond my hair tomorrow but im really scared.....i hope it's not pin straight cause those hair are damn ugly and im going town straight.
A few days ago, or rather two days ago, i cried. It wasn't those normal crying where you will stop after a while and make all those sniffing noises. It's the kind of crying that tears just flowed uncontrollably and no matter how much you try to control your tears, it just flowed by itself. Whenever I try to talk, my voice just seem as if it got stuck?? My voice sounded damn croaky and hoarse, i can only talk loudly and i can't control my emotions at all. I was in a mess. And to think all these crying is caused by work.
I guess it's partly PMS cause I got my period yesterday but work really drives me crazy. It's like a machine that sucks away all my happiness and it always leaves me feeling so drained and empty. I don't even know why im so tired of working compared to other part timers. During work, i feel ok. I feel bored, sleepy, hungry but not rly unhappy. Just nuances of it like no lunch/dinner or some chef pissed me off but not like im grumpy the whole day. However, after work, all the negative feelings will start to overtake the positive ones and i will come home pissed, frustrated, unhappy. Then, if my mum asks me to work, i will scream and throw tantrums and hate work. Then, somehow despite all these hatred, i do look forward to work? Am i crazy or bi-polar or what. Maybe it's cause i know i play a important role in the restaurant but that day, i reached my limit.
The event was HELL. it was so noisy and cramped and did i mention the fact that i hate vain girls? I sometimes complain to people that girls are as annoying and bitchy as hell when I am a girl. i hate girls because they are so annoying?! Like camwhoring and insta and selfies and bitch talks (things I dont do usually or traits i hate about myself) I feel it's so insignificant and i rly cannot take nice selfies so im probably jealous some girls can do it and i cant so i hate it. Then, the event is a makeup event?! and there are girls who are dressed like dollls (WHICH I HATE) those fucking ugly big eye thick mascara and eyelash and act cute face. Wah i cannot.
Then, the trainee pissed me off so bad. She was going around giving ideas on what to do and giving the wrong information and being all stubborn and shit and insisting everything going her way when it's obviously wrong?!!?? Refusing to listen and stuff and all these shit. Not only that, head chef pissed me off by telling me off about some stupid macarons when he clearly is trying to vent his anger on someone. On top of all these, the event was complete chaos as there was no briefing beforehand like what kind of glasses to use and the office people had some conflict before the event. so the event was so bad and i had no lunch..... that's the worse part for someone who ate 3 plates of rice and 6 potatoes cubes plus veggies for LUNCH today. I was starving that i ate 2.5 bowls of rice for dinner after that (0.5 is alina's share ooops).
Didn't manage to take photos with that pretty girl but im so happy that she finally got a boyfee heehhehe so happy for her and they are so cute together. And alina is so pretty *~* she has nice features and she looks so freaking cute ahhhh can't wait to go out with her again.
Today's god bday so we had the event but im having my period so i didn't do much today. God said i think too much which is damn true. My semantic network is too good (psychology revision), basically i link anything to everything. Unfortunately, good thing is i remember alot of things. Bad side, i think too much about everything and worry too much for my own good. I don't appreciate whatever i have. I'm never satisified.
I'm greedy.
I eat fast to get another serving or to get more time so i can use it on something else. I study hard to get results and im not contented with 3.6 although everyone says it's quite good. I sleep 7-8 hrs so i can wake up early to do some work and not waste time. I multi-task and im always trying to find some easy way out if i can so i can get the same amount of work done with lesser effort. I'm greedy that i try to make sure nobody shortchange me. This results me in being unhappy all the time.
I need to change. Sitting at the back of the lorry today, I felt free. It's been a while since i felt that way. Looking at the night scenery with the cool wind blowing against me, i feel invincible and free and happy. I hope to feel that way. Always. Thank you for this wake up call. I need to do things that makes me happy.
#1: rebond hair
#2: get more piercings
#3: be toned
ok 3 is enough for now. I will work hard on this 3 before i set new goals. Mission 'improve yourself' starts now
xoxo
Monday, October 7, 2013
everyone just shut the hell up
STOP ASKING ME TO WORK GODDAMNIT FUCK YOU. I KNOW HOW TO ORGANISE MY TIME SO SHUT UP AND LET ME DO WHAT I WANT. IM NOT EVEN FUCKING CLUBBING OR WHAT SHIT SO GIVE ME A BREAK AND STOP ASKING ME TO DO THIS AND THAT AND SAYING I KEEP GOING OUT BECUS I HAVENT EVEN WENT ONCE THIS ENTIRE HOLIDAY. SO ALL OF YOU JUST SHUT UP. SHUT THE HELL UP.
no fucking consideration for my feelings at all
no fucking consideration for my feelings at all
Friday, October 4, 2013
"Be comfortable in your own skin"
hello lovelies :-)
i did nothing much today except watching dramas and doing mindmaps. I'm really glad I managed to flush out all negative thoughts and try my best to be thankful for what I have. It's great, friends have been messaging me to ask me out since their promos are over and im having a movie marathon with zy tomorrow heheheheh so happy to have friends by my side. I need to love myself more, starting from inner self (I believe appearance is the hardest to love) and work hard to get a good GPA like joyce too hahahahha sigh if im not clever, I have to work doubly hard !!
Listened to jas and I can only just sigh (in a good way) cause she is unbelivably good, she's like my idol (if i have one) ~*~*~ but I know I can't compare myself to her because we are all good in our ways so to all my readers, do stay positive and appreciate yourself !! Trust me, it'll do you good ;)
time to sleep/watch dramas (based on my mood) heheheeheheehe bye
*sends out flying kisses to each and everyone of you who is reading this*
:-)
xoxo
i did nothing much today except watching dramas and doing mindmaps. I'm really glad I managed to flush out all negative thoughts and try my best to be thankful for what I have. It's great, friends have been messaging me to ask me out since their promos are over and im having a movie marathon with zy tomorrow heheheheh so happy to have friends by my side. I need to love myself more, starting from inner self (I believe appearance is the hardest to love) and work hard to get a good GPA like joyce too hahahahha sigh if im not clever, I have to work doubly hard !!
Listened to jas and I can only just sigh (in a good way) cause she is unbelivably good, she's like my idol (if i have one) ~*~*~ but I know I can't compare myself to her because we are all good in our ways so to all my readers, do stay positive and appreciate yourself !! Trust me, it'll do you good ;)
time to sleep/watch dramas (based on my mood) heheheeheheehe bye
*sends out flying kisses to each and everyone of you who is reading this*
:-)
xoxo
Thursday, October 3, 2013
plsdontlikeme
Hello blog. It's been ages since I blogged, sorry ): I'm sick recently, so sick that I went to visit the doc TWICE. Still kinda fed up that I tied 300 choc boxes in the freezing room like hello?? I'm sick with sore throat and cough and y'all still asked me to do that and I stood in the room for like 3-4 hrs straight and noone even bothered to ask me to stop or what zzz luckily I can go off at 8.30pm or else I will break down and cry and scream and probably die of coughing or care away all the customers and receive tons of complains. Anyway, I'm feeling so so so so much better now heheeheheh excluding the occasional cough and I'm in a pretty good mood today, right after I start to watch Love around. The male lead is just too handsum *~*
He is so darn handsome and I loooo0ooo0oove guys who are like these: quiet (so he can listen to me rant and talk) but with a hint of humour (to make me laugh) , handsome (effortlessly), charming, caring sobs and tall and so lovable with his shy smile and how he's always so cool and quiet and so understanding and a nice temper. I really need my future boyf to be like this sigh i really hope for someone who will never get tired of my voice and will always lend an listening ear. I guess this is why I cannot forget M. To me, he wasn't a lover although he's all of the above. He made me realised that he is the type of guy I love. To me, he was a brother that guided me and treat me like a princess hehehehehehe always listening to me and making me laugh and always always being there for me as a friend. I feel so loved (like a younger sis) by him and this made me realised that my future boyf needs to be like this too, somebody that treats me right :-) Too bad all these feelings have gone away......now we're just people we used to talk till late in the night. I really miss ya.... I bet you don't. I hope you still read my letter time to time but you got someone like her to make fun of, laugh with, talk to and i really think you're the one she talks about in her blog. It's sad and I keep comparing herself to me and I know it's wrong to just assume based on my gut instinct but it somehow just points to you. Not only that, she thinks you're handsome???????? you cfm talk to her ALOT. and this just makes me so sad. I really want you all to myself M. You are a special friend to me, someone who's not in my age group, someone all my friends don't know so I can tell you anything and everything. I know I should accept that we have no more topics which is why both of us stopped talking but I really wonder what do you and her talk about and you dislike girls who swear. That's why you want me to pay you 5 bux for every swear word i say or typed. She swears more than me, M. Come back to me please and I will never give you a reason to leave again. That's my wish and that's why wishes remains as wishes. Even if you do come back to me, we will just talk about me (only me because you don't really share) and we will run out of topics again becus we don't really have the same bunch of friends or whatever to talk about. Sigh I don't know whether it's a good or bad thing that you're gone now.........I miss you so bad, like so badly that I feel so sad whenever I read her blog. It's been three months and I hope you're doing fine and I will always remember you even if you forget me.
Watching love around made me so happy and I really feel like doing good things and everything good will happen to me if i believe in myself. What's wrong with me hhaahahhahaha must be staying at home too much. I haven't went out since the start of holidays???!! But finally, PROMOS R OVER. This means my sec sch friends are free and I can finally go out with them and I'm so excited to meet up with jas zy and yy heheheheheheheh i love them very much, so much that I feel so blessed to have them, so grateful that I want to give them a tight hug :-*
Also, I need to stop talking to X. I know you like me and talking to you isn't gonna make things easier. I have to stop sending out wrong signals and it's normal for friends to talk too so I can't shut you out completely but you have to stop talking to me. Stop worrying about me, it's not doing you any good liking someone like me. I'm not mature enough to be your gf or someone special to you. And I mean it when I say I'm not mature. I can't get past the fact that you are handsome, or above average (according to my standards) and the fact that you're working now and not studying. What kind of future will that be? Please. Call me a realist but I will never consider you as someone special. Never. so stop all of these.
I realise i should probably start reading up on my sch notes because I forgot EVERYTHING. but then.........I learnt that you can never forget in psych. There's only misplacing of information, no 'forgetting' AHAHAHAAHAHAHHAA so all these years I've been misplacing my attention which results in a misplace of information lol. ok so nerdy ah i can't take it.
Time to clear the air bye.
xoxo
He is so darn handsome and I loooo0ooo0oove guys who are like these: quiet (so he can listen to me rant and talk) but with a hint of humour (to make me laugh) , handsome (effortlessly), charming, caring sobs and tall and so lovable with his shy smile and how he's always so cool and quiet and so understanding and a nice temper. I really need my future boyf to be like this sigh i really hope for someone who will never get tired of my voice and will always lend an listening ear. I guess this is why I cannot forget M. To me, he wasn't a lover although he's all of the above. He made me realised that he is the type of guy I love. To me, he was a brother that guided me and treat me like a princess hehehehehehe always listening to me and making me laugh and always always being there for me as a friend. I feel so loved (like a younger sis) by him and this made me realised that my future boyf needs to be like this too, somebody that treats me right :-) Too bad all these feelings have gone away......now we're just people we used to talk till late in the night. I really miss ya.... I bet you don't. I hope you still read my letter time to time but you got someone like her to make fun of, laugh with, talk to and i really think you're the one she talks about in her blog. It's sad and I keep comparing herself to me and I know it's wrong to just assume based on my gut instinct but it somehow just points to you. Not only that, she thinks you're handsome???????? you cfm talk to her ALOT. and this just makes me so sad. I really want you all to myself M. You are a special friend to me, someone who's not in my age group, someone all my friends don't know so I can tell you anything and everything. I know I should accept that we have no more topics which is why both of us stopped talking but I really wonder what do you and her talk about and you dislike girls who swear. That's why you want me to pay you 5 bux for every swear word i say or typed. She swears more than me, M. Come back to me please and I will never give you a reason to leave again. That's my wish and that's why wishes remains as wishes. Even if you do come back to me, we will just talk about me (only me because you don't really share) and we will run out of topics again becus we don't really have the same bunch of friends or whatever to talk about. Sigh I don't know whether it's a good or bad thing that you're gone now.........I miss you so bad, like so badly that I feel so sad whenever I read her blog. It's been three months and I hope you're doing fine and I will always remember you even if you forget me.
Watching love around made me so happy and I really feel like doing good things and everything good will happen to me if i believe in myself. What's wrong with me hhaahahhahaha must be staying at home too much. I haven't went out since the start of holidays???!! But finally, PROMOS R OVER. This means my sec sch friends are free and I can finally go out with them and I'm so excited to meet up with jas zy and yy heheheheheheheh i love them very much, so much that I feel so blessed to have them, so grateful that I want to give them a tight hug :-*
Also, I need to stop talking to X. I know you like me and talking to you isn't gonna make things easier. I have to stop sending out wrong signals and it's normal for friends to talk too so I can't shut you out completely but you have to stop talking to me. Stop worrying about me, it's not doing you any good liking someone like me. I'm not mature enough to be your gf or someone special to you. And I mean it when I say I'm not mature. I can't get past the fact that you are handsome, or above average (according to my standards) and the fact that you're working now and not studying. What kind of future will that be? Please. Call me a realist but I will never consider you as someone special. Never. so stop all of these.
I realise i should probably start reading up on my sch notes because I forgot EVERYTHING. but then.........I learnt that you can never forget in psych. There's only misplacing of information, no 'forgetting' AHAHAHAAHAHAHHAA so all these years I've been misplacing my attention which results in a misplace of information lol. ok so nerdy ah i can't take it.
Time to clear the air bye.
xoxo
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