Friday, July 4, 2014

A broken jar

I cried today. ok it's more of tear. because I felt so bad. I felt so guilty. I feel like I didnt do my part as a friend. I felt like I betrayed them by bringing up hyurak past and I felt so bad for saying out how I feel because I still love nicole and Aaron no matter what. I feel like if I have to choose again, I will still choose this path. I feel so bad as a main comm member by revealing huimin and zoe out and I want to defend them but I know that I cannot take sides. That guilt I felt then was so overwhelming that I wanted to scold myself for letting things out. I know I didn't do anything bad by saying it out but I feel so bad.

I only felt better after their reassurance and in the end I was upset I ended getting none of them. They weren't even under me. They were under people they dont even know. It's not a good thing but it's the best and I know that through this I just have to still let them know I'm here for them.

This internal struggle feels like me giving up on  them and I feel so torn omg.

talked to junice today and now I understand her reason for going to HSS. I really feel that she's a good gl because she has such good intentions and people like me shouldn't even deserve to be here in main comm. I feel like I'm the worst. I need to be better and step up.

but honestly, if i have to choose again,  I will choose Hyurak no matter what. it made me realised how much I can take and I really felt loved and protected. even though it wasn't the best in the end, I love each and every of them with all of my heart and I really really love them. I understand their intentions but I feel like I still need to tell someone everything and cry it all out.

Main comm is really challenging for me and I just feel so sad. I feel like I cannot talk to anybody about this. dylan? shiri? I cant possibly talk to Aaron fuck and I love them so much. corn?? but that's fucking weird.

my heart feels torn. maybe I should stop typing and sleep the whole way home. yes I should. its alot to take in for a day.



felt so much better after crying yesterday but that guilt is still there and i swear i will make it up to you Aaron not matter what because without you, I'm nothing.

don't worry about me anymore

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