dear samantha
i’m sorry
we have to get a divorce
i know that seems like an odd way to start a love letter but let me explain:
it’s not you
it sure as hell isn’t me
it’s just human beings don’t love as well as insects do
i love you.. far too much to let what we have be ruined by the failings of our species
i saw the way you looked at the waiter last night
i know you would never DO anything, you never do but..
i saw the way you looked at the waiter last night
did you know that when a female fly accepts the pheromones put off by a male fly, it re-writes her brain, destroys the receptors that receive pheromones, sensing the change, the male fly does the same. when two flies love each other they do it so hard, they will never love anything else ever again. if either one of them dies before procreation can happen both sets of genetic code are lost forever. now that… is dedication.
after Elizabeth and i broke up we spent three days dividing everything we had bought together
like if i knew what pots were mine like if i knew which drapes were mine somehow the pain would go away
this is not true
after two praying mantises mate, the nervous system of the male begins to shut down
while he still has control over his motor functions
he flops onto his back, exposing his soft underbelly up to his lover like a gift
she then proceeds to lovingly dice him into tiny cubes
spooning every morsel into her mouth
she wastes nothing
even the exoskeleton goes
she does this so that once their children are born she has something to regurgitate to feed them
now that.. is selflessness
i could never do that for you
so i have a new plan
i’m gonna leave you now
i’m gonna spend the rest of my life committing petty injustices
i hope you do the same
i will jay walk at every opportunity
i will steal things i could easily afford
i will be rude to strangers
i hope you do the same
i hope reincarnation is real
i hope our petty crimes are enough to cause us to be reborn as lesser creatures
i hope we are reborn as flies
so that we can love each other as hard as we were meant to.
-Jared Singer
Such a sad and emotional love letter, but i wonder how i will feel if im ever a recipient of such a letter. It's funny how some things are not necessarily good when complicated, like love.
-
met up with AMB today for POP and i was really happy hahaha seeing my batchmates and some juniors, no matter how much i say i hate band, i will still love it with all my heart. Met mr lim and i really could feel his love sighh his warm smile and his teasings :'-) i really love him alot haahah although he's a reason why i hate myself sometimes.
After POP, walked to grandma house for a simple xmas dinner and it was really good. My whole family kept making jokes and the atmosphere was so loving and comfortable and warm haahaha so thankful and lucky to have a bunch of such amazing family members. Heard that justin is scoring all A's again in uni and he's currently going london, kinda regret i didn't get to know him more till this year.
Really really really love my family and friends (amb) and today was simply a good day becus i received stickers from ken too!!! And they are from legit designers heehehehehe :-)
gonna prepare to sleep now
xoxo
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Friday, December 27, 2013
LEAVE ME ALONE
'don't tell me things i already know'
-my feelings all summed up today
Today was SHITTY.
Zy was late and we just studied..didnt really catch up much but i was really surprised by her present lol (hand cream) then she left me to find her fam for dinz. Thought she might stay and accompany me but it's ok, i wasn't in a good mood to chit chat also and i'd rather be alone. ella called but i rejected her and atiqah's request to go simpang (too far) plus i wanted to do some shopping. Shopped and i saw a pair of maroon camo shoes i really liked??!! Stood there for 5 mins searching for size converters and this freaking shop assistant took a pair from the rack and i realised it ran out of my size fuck. Maybe that shop assistant took my size sigh...paced around the level for 10 mins before asking for my size but all are already displayed :'-( rushed to kino to buy a book for my sis (the alchemist) becus i still remember mark lo saying it's a really nice book and i want to read it for myself hahahahaha then brisk walk-ed to orchard outlet and
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I FOUND THE FUCKING SHOE!!!!!!! hallelujah hahahahah was so freaking happy and thinking about it, why was i hesitant when paying? i love it ahhhh ahahahha and i bought a new top too (leather x shiny maroon)
was feeling proud and happy till i came home and checked my phone. told to change my style and i look like a typical chinese girl and my hair and my specs and my fasion sense.
OK OK OK STOP
-my feelings all summed up today
Today was SHITTY.
Zy was late and we just studied..didnt really catch up much but i was really surprised by her present lol (hand cream) then she left me to find her fam for dinz. Thought she might stay and accompany me but it's ok, i wasn't in a good mood to chit chat also and i'd rather be alone. ella called but i rejected her and atiqah's request to go simpang (too far) plus i wanted to do some shopping. Shopped and i saw a pair of maroon camo shoes i really liked??!! Stood there for 5 mins searching for size converters and this freaking shop assistant took a pair from the rack and i realised it ran out of my size fuck. Maybe that shop assistant took my size sigh...paced around the level for 10 mins before asking for my size but all are already displayed :'-( rushed to kino to buy a book for my sis (the alchemist) becus i still remember mark lo saying it's a really nice book and i want to read it for myself hahahahaha then brisk walk-ed to orchard outlet and
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I FOUND THE FUCKING SHOE!!!!!!! hallelujah hahahahah was so freaking happy and thinking about it, why was i hesitant when paying? i love it ahhhh ahahahha and i bought a new top too (leather x shiny maroon)
was feeling proud and happy till i came home and checked my phone. told to change my style and i look like a typical chinese girl and my hair and my specs and my fasion sense.
OK OK OK STOP
Thursday, December 26, 2013
It's time for me to let go and move on
'Sometimes the chains that prevent us from being free are more mental than physical.'
celebrated christmas yesterday itching cause i got alcohol allergy fml drank 2 shots of vodka and the next minute, I'm itching and red spots start to appear on my face (while im working) ha ha ha customers must have thought im a disgusting prick.
Received a carebear from jacky(which i love) hahahaha and i never really loved the thought of getting stuffed toys as presents. It feels like a waste of space and lack of thought but oh well the carebear is a pretty shade of pink and kinda nice to hug so yeap this shall be an exception!
work was okay but i think im spending too much time on it... so tired that i knocked out for 10 hrs straight followed by a 2hr nap today (no work no school) and i didnt even talk to anybody. So tired.. what happened to this holiday being productive (study-wise) and feeling good about myself. Two weeks has passed, and im even more tired and sleepy and fat and unhappy. I feel so lazy to talk to anyone and this is really not a good sign :(
off to buy medicine, hopefully they will sell it to me and then back to physio assignment -sighs-
on a side note, i really wanna go shopping and restock my clothes
xoxo
celebrated christmas yesterday itching cause i got alcohol allergy fml drank 2 shots of vodka and the next minute, I'm itching and red spots start to appear on my face (while im working) ha ha ha customers must have thought im a disgusting prick.
Received a carebear from jacky(which i love) hahahaha and i never really loved the thought of getting stuffed toys as presents. It feels like a waste of space and lack of thought but oh well the carebear is a pretty shade of pink and kinda nice to hug so yeap this shall be an exception!
work was okay but i think im spending too much time on it... so tired that i knocked out for 10 hrs straight followed by a 2hr nap today (no work no school) and i didnt even talk to anybody. So tired.. what happened to this holiday being productive (study-wise) and feeling good about myself. Two weeks has passed, and im even more tired and sleepy and fat and unhappy. I feel so lazy to talk to anyone and this is really not a good sign :(
off to buy medicine, hopefully they will sell it to me and then back to physio assignment -sighs-
on a side note, i really wanna go shopping and restock my clothes
xoxo
Monday, December 23, 2013
Don't ever forget me
"I still love the people I’ve loved, even if I cross the street to avoid them."
me.
xoxo
me.
xoxo
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Hi.
I have been called 'insignificant'.
I have moved on from that.
I have decided that whatever you all label me as, I don't care. I don't care about what people think of me as long as I believe in myself. Besides, I gave up on popularity cause that's not who I am. I tried to be once in secondary school and I never succeed. Even the friends I've made aren't through popularity. They were genuine friends, the very first to love me for who I am: a listener. I listen. I don't talk alot at the start unless we are very close or I feel a need to start conversation to prevent awkwardness. Basically, I listen to people's problem's and offer encouraging words and im their emotional support. That's what I do.
Popular people on the other hand, they are loud. They shine. They listen lesser. They love the spotlight. They are friendly, funny, but most importantly they are loud. They are too loud that it's hard for them to settle down and listen. Popular people are fun people, they don't dwell on sadness. But me? I'm engulfed in sadness because I listen to people's problems. If people don't tell me their problems, there's no topic between us. I'm fun-loving but I attract sadness more. I survive on sadness. Sadness pushes me down and forces me to strive harder and be better while happiness is something that's keep me sane sometimes. I'm never really a happy person. People may see me as someone who's very nice and laughs at everything but I'm not genuinely happy. Sure those things do make me happy but not for long. It takes alot to make me happy. I can be happy cause I said a good joke and I bought a pretty top but it isn't enough to keep me happy the whole day. However I feel happy when people share their thoughts with me and have intellectual conversations. I will just go on and on and feel really happy cause I became wiser. I will feel happy if im productive too. Call me boring or whatever but those are really things I prefer and popularity can't give me that. Socialising is really tiring to me and I don't have the commitment. I don't have the time to keep chatting on whatsapp chats and go for outings and take photos and spend money. Im not rich too. Plus popularity will cost me my family time. At this time, I can't abadon my family again. That's what I did in secondary school. I didn't know how to juggle. I chose band. And that led me to here.
Not that it's bad but if I have to choose again, I don't know if I will choose band. Sure, band was fun and it's a second family but the commitment is too much. Two concerts every year, five aspects of leadership, blue blood culture. It's too huge a commitment st a young age of 13. It's like signing up for a family when I already have one. You are expected to perform well in everything and then, the politics. The thing I hate the most: politics.
You have to be good to attract people who will give you an advantage. You have to play politics, choose and take sides. It's certainly not a pretty sight. You have to suck up and suck it up. You have to be strong. People aren't going to choose you just cause you're nice. You have to be strong. You have to prove it. And that's painful cause I was under-appreciated before. I have been alone before. I have expected too much and I crashed. I cried. I suffered. Band is really the most life-changing experiences to me. And I don't know if im willing to go through all that. Because of band, I became friends-orientated too. I abandon my family.
I have been called 'insignificant'.
I have moved on from that.
I have decided that whatever you all label me as, I don't care. I don't care about what people think of me as long as I believe in myself. Besides, I gave up on popularity cause that's not who I am. I tried to be once in secondary school and I never succeed. Even the friends I've made aren't through popularity. They were genuine friends, the very first to love me for who I am: a listener. I listen. I don't talk alot at the start unless we are very close or I feel a need to start conversation to prevent awkwardness. Basically, I listen to people's problem's and offer encouraging words and im their emotional support. That's what I do.
Popular people on the other hand, they are loud. They shine. They listen lesser. They love the spotlight. They are friendly, funny, but most importantly they are loud. They are too loud that it's hard for them to settle down and listen. Popular people are fun people, they don't dwell on sadness. But me? I'm engulfed in sadness because I listen to people's problems. If people don't tell me their problems, there's no topic between us. I'm fun-loving but I attract sadness more. I survive on sadness. Sadness pushes me down and forces me to strive harder and be better while happiness is something that's keep me sane sometimes. I'm never really a happy person. People may see me as someone who's very nice and laughs at everything but I'm not genuinely happy. Sure those things do make me happy but not for long. It takes alot to make me happy. I can be happy cause I said a good joke and I bought a pretty top but it isn't enough to keep me happy the whole day. However I feel happy when people share their thoughts with me and have intellectual conversations. I will just go on and on and feel really happy cause I became wiser. I will feel happy if im productive too. Call me boring or whatever but those are really things I prefer and popularity can't give me that. Socialising is really tiring to me and I don't have the commitment. I don't have the time to keep chatting on whatsapp chats and go for outings and take photos and spend money. Im not rich too. Plus popularity will cost me my family time. At this time, I can't abadon my family again. That's what I did in secondary school. I didn't know how to juggle. I chose band. And that led me to here.
Not that it's bad but if I have to choose again, I don't know if I will choose band. Sure, band was fun and it's a second family but the commitment is too much. Two concerts every year, five aspects of leadership, blue blood culture. It's too huge a commitment st a young age of 13. It's like signing up for a family when I already have one. You are expected to perform well in everything and then, the politics. The thing I hate the most: politics.
You have to be good to attract people who will give you an advantage. You have to play politics, choose and take sides. It's certainly not a pretty sight. You have to suck up and suck it up. You have to be strong. People aren't going to choose you just cause you're nice. You have to be strong. You have to prove it. And that's painful cause I was under-appreciated before. I have been alone before. I have expected too much and I crashed. I cried. I suffered. Band is really the most life-changing experiences to me. And I don't know if im willing to go through all that. Because of band, I became friends-orientated too. I abandon my family.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
"well-behaved woman seldom make history"
"“For Attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself and the other for helping others.”
"“For Attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself and the other for helping others.”
"whatever you are, be a good one"
xoxo
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
“What you must understand about me is that I’m a deeply unhappy person.”
hi.
Just listened to shayne ward and i can't help feeling sad for no reason. His voice is so sorrowful that one can't help but to feel sad?? I realised i listen to many love songs in the past and i remember crying while singing love songs what the heck was i doing hahaha and i don't even have a lover then, or now. Listening to sad songs are somehow very comforting to me and i guess i like to make myself sad sometimes. Like, it is ok to make myself sad but it's NOT ok for people to make me sad hahaha i can make myself sad looking at pretty people on insta but i hate it when people make me sad, like today. I swear my patience is running thin ughhh im a princess in my house ok and i have to bear this shit in school wtf better watch out i nearly raged today (just a lil bit more)
All these random ramblings aside, nothing major happened and i don't know if this is a good or bad thing (good because nothing made me sad, bad because i have a mundane life), life is pretty much studies, spending money on food and regretting it later, the want to be skinny, gorging on food, gossiping (lol im ashamed of this), consoling friends, watching dramas, browsing carousell for hours and yeah, that's it.
Today's her birthday and i delibrately went to her twitter profile and browse through all her tweets plus insta photos and yay i managed to evoke that sad empty feeling within me ): She's not pretty, smart, super nice or anything but she has EVERYTHING. What I won't do to have her friends who are so damn caring and nice to her and no, i refuse to believe that she's not a bitch ugh. She fricking stole M away from me ok i will not settle for this (i have actually).
Dad sent me home today and i was thinking of M while on the lorry. Sigh, how i hope we have a chance to be friends again but sadly, we won't. He really played an important part in my life that period of time and it's such a pity to see him being someone i used to know. I don't even know why i was so affected then, he wasn't even someone i like (as a lover) and yet, i was so upset that i cried to sleep the first few days ):
I guess all this is over now and i should move on and improve myself to be a better person
Anyway, my third piercing doesn't hurt that much anymore and im thinking of getting another one heeheehe and i plan to start working out and save $$$$ heehehhee can't wait for christmas!!!
P/s it's gonna be a year since i know you and no matter how much i say i hate you and how i don't ever wanna see you, i still wish the best for you and pls don't be sad anymore. I'm always here for you, just that you'll never know
x
Just listened to shayne ward and i can't help feeling sad for no reason. His voice is so sorrowful that one can't help but to feel sad?? I realised i listen to many love songs in the past and i remember crying while singing love songs what the heck was i doing hahaha and i don't even have a lover then, or now. Listening to sad songs are somehow very comforting to me and i guess i like to make myself sad sometimes. Like, it is ok to make myself sad but it's NOT ok for people to make me sad hahaha i can make myself sad looking at pretty people on insta but i hate it when people make me sad, like today. I swear my patience is running thin ughhh im a princess in my house ok and i have to bear this shit in school wtf better watch out i nearly raged today (just a lil bit more)
All these random ramblings aside, nothing major happened and i don't know if this is a good or bad thing (good because nothing made me sad, bad because i have a mundane life), life is pretty much studies, spending money on food and regretting it later, the want to be skinny, gorging on food, gossiping (lol im ashamed of this), consoling friends, watching dramas, browsing carousell for hours and yeah, that's it.
Today's her birthday and i delibrately went to her twitter profile and browse through all her tweets plus insta photos and yay i managed to evoke that sad empty feeling within me ): She's not pretty, smart, super nice or anything but she has EVERYTHING. What I won't do to have her friends who are so damn caring and nice to her and no, i refuse to believe that she's not a bitch ugh. She fricking stole M away from me ok i will not settle for this (i have actually).
Dad sent me home today and i was thinking of M while on the lorry. Sigh, how i hope we have a chance to be friends again but sadly, we won't. He really played an important part in my life that period of time and it's such a pity to see him being someone i used to know. I don't even know why i was so affected then, he wasn't even someone i like (as a lover) and yet, i was so upset that i cried to sleep the first few days ):
I guess all this is over now and i should move on and improve myself to be a better person
Anyway, my third piercing doesn't hurt that much anymore and im thinking of getting another one heeheehe and i plan to start working out and save $$$$ heehehhee can't wait for christmas!!!
P/s it's gonna be a year since i know you and no matter how much i say i hate you and how i don't ever wanna see you, i still wish the best for you and pls don't be sad anymore. I'm always here for you, just that you'll never know
x
Saturday, November 9, 2013
happy birthday to me
Hi. I'm supposed to be doing the RM quiz now but i guess i shall take a mini break before i continue heheheh
Firstly, happy 17th to me! This year was one difficult year i shall say as i dealt with people leaving me and realising that some people are so important to me that when they leave, I'm completely lost. This year was tough especially from Jan-April because i was alone, dealing with the fact that im on a different route from my close friends. All of them (most) enrolled into jc and I was one of the exceptional that chose poly, plus temasek poly. It's been so long since i made friends so i was really scared and i remember crying cause i was so scared. I remember M making me feel better with all his words but i guess i bore him so we stopped talking in june. That period was the worst period of my life, going through the same thing in sec 3. He left me all alone, someone that i grew so close with just like how i did with jh and it pains me that the same thing has to happen TWICE. liking someone i should never like and getting hurt in the end. I cried myself to sleep and prayed that he will talk to me again everyday. Now, i don't. Those days were over. I have moved on and im really proud of myself for being so strong, surviving all these.
This year, I learnt to make friends. I learnt to be more funny, outgoing and be myself. For the first time in 17 years, i feel free. I feel unrestricted and YOLO. I love all my poly friends and im really thankful for the surprise on friday plus the outing at the beach (':
On the whole, I'm proud of myself for staying true to myself and not being easily swayed by people. I'm happy with my grades and i will work harder to maintain it. Also, I will learn to save money and be easily contented. I'm ready to welcome more people into my life and i shall let things take its natural course. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.
I'm not that afraid of the interviews anymore (: I will try my best to have fun with whatever i'm given with.
------
Just came back from wedding lunch and im too full to even have dinner even after 4 hrs. 9 course meal really no joke hahahahah i thought i might die halfway while eating, something i don't mind hahahaha
back to reality
xoxo
Firstly, happy 17th to me! This year was one difficult year i shall say as i dealt with people leaving me and realising that some people are so important to me that when they leave, I'm completely lost. This year was tough especially from Jan-April because i was alone, dealing with the fact that im on a different route from my close friends. All of them (most) enrolled into jc and I was one of the exceptional that chose poly, plus temasek poly. It's been so long since i made friends so i was really scared and i remember crying cause i was so scared. I remember M making me feel better with all his words but i guess i bore him so we stopped talking in june. That period was the worst period of my life, going through the same thing in sec 3. He left me all alone, someone that i grew so close with just like how i did with jh and it pains me that the same thing has to happen TWICE. liking someone i should never like and getting hurt in the end. I cried myself to sleep and prayed that he will talk to me again everyday. Now, i don't. Those days were over. I have moved on and im really proud of myself for being so strong, surviving all these.
This year, I learnt to make friends. I learnt to be more funny, outgoing and be myself. For the first time in 17 years, i feel free. I feel unrestricted and YOLO. I love all my poly friends and im really thankful for the surprise on friday plus the outing at the beach (':
On the whole, I'm proud of myself for staying true to myself and not being easily swayed by people. I'm happy with my grades and i will work harder to maintain it. Also, I will learn to save money and be easily contented. I'm ready to welcome more people into my life and i shall let things take its natural course. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.
I'm not that afraid of the interviews anymore (: I will try my best to have fun with whatever i'm given with.
------
Just came back from wedding lunch and im too full to even have dinner even after 4 hrs. 9 course meal really no joke hahahahah i thought i might die halfway while eating, something i don't mind hahahaha
back to reality
xoxo
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Popularity
"Two things define you:
your patience when you have nothing
&
your attitude when you have everything"
Hi guys! Sorry for the lack pf updates recently, was busy settling into school: need to get used to the new timetable which SUCKS. I have lessons till 7pm on Mon and Tues, 6pm on wednesday ): good luck to me for the next sem, maybe i can lose weight hheheeeeheh.
Went swimming today with Grace and we were supposed to swim at 10am but..............in the end we swam at 2.30pm and it was only like 5 laps??!?? Ok at first it was too hot so we waited then when we waited to swim, there were 2 guys in the pool and the pool is fricking small so as usual, I made a fuss and we walked the entire neighbourhood to find any condos to sneak into. But, we didnt so we went back and got the courage to swim with them. It was only 5 laps but i was damn tired sobs so my stamina so sucky so we went to bathe and change. Proceeded to have lunch after walking for like 20 mins becus 'everything with a pinch of salt' closed, thai cuisine no wifi, italian food closed so we finally settled at the ground bar and cafe. Got toffee apple cider !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And thin crust pizza followed by h2h with rum and raisin ice cream *-*
Was talking about popularity today and I realised i don't reallly have a personality. I'm always a mixture. I'm friendly but I'm cold too. I smile alot but I frown alot too. I like noise but i hate noise too. I love excitement but i dislike the thrill sometimes. There's no constant in me. People like their food sweet or savoury but i like mine sweet/savoury depending on my mood. I realise there is no definite in me. I'm highly unstable, maybe this explains why im so fickle. I take a long time to decide what i want and sometimes i hesitate even though i know i want it.
I learnt about easy and difficult child today and i realise im a mixture. I laugh and cry easily. I get upset easily. I get happy easily. I'm easily contented. The next minute, I'm not. I don't even know what colour i like, that's how much i dont know about myself.
And that, is utterly depressing. How can i even try to understand people when i don't even know what kind of person i am
I sincerely hope that i will find out what my personality is and i shall give up the thought of being popular because in this life, im meant for other things, not this.
your patience when you have nothing
&
your attitude when you have everything"
Hi guys! Sorry for the lack pf updates recently, was busy settling into school: need to get used to the new timetable which SUCKS. I have lessons till 7pm on Mon and Tues, 6pm on wednesday ): good luck to me for the next sem, maybe i can lose weight hheheeeeheh.
Went swimming today with Grace and we were supposed to swim at 10am but..............in the end we swam at 2.30pm and it was only like 5 laps??!?? Ok at first it was too hot so we waited then when we waited to swim, there were 2 guys in the pool and the pool is fricking small so as usual, I made a fuss and we walked the entire neighbourhood to find any condos to sneak into. But, we didnt so we went back and got the courage to swim with them. It was only 5 laps but i was damn tired sobs so my stamina so sucky so we went to bathe and change. Proceeded to have lunch after walking for like 20 mins becus 'everything with a pinch of salt' closed, thai cuisine no wifi, italian food closed so we finally settled at the ground bar and cafe. Got toffee apple cider !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And thin crust pizza followed by h2h with rum and raisin ice cream *-*
Was talking about popularity today and I realised i don't reallly have a personality. I'm always a mixture. I'm friendly but I'm cold too. I smile alot but I frown alot too. I like noise but i hate noise too. I love excitement but i dislike the thrill sometimes. There's no constant in me. People like their food sweet or savoury but i like mine sweet/savoury depending on my mood. I realise there is no definite in me. I'm highly unstable, maybe this explains why im so fickle. I take a long time to decide what i want and sometimes i hesitate even though i know i want it.
I learnt about easy and difficult child today and i realise im a mixture. I laugh and cry easily. I get upset easily. I get happy easily. I'm easily contented. The next minute, I'm not. I don't even know what colour i like, that's how much i dont know about myself.
And that, is utterly depressing. How can i even try to understand people when i don't even know what kind of person i am
I sincerely hope that i will find out what my personality is and i shall give up the thought of being popular because in this life, im meant for other things, not this.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
): when will i ever be happy
ugh just saw something that ruined my whole mood. I was so happy that we closed at 9 today but ugh nevermind. Her tweets never fail to piss me off. Why are you so popular?? Why do so many guys talk to you? What makes you so good? What's so attractive about you? Why do everybody loves you?
Stuck in this downward spiral of self-hatred once again. Was talking to Grace today and I told her all my insecurities sigh like my fat nose etc (small lips...) and she say Im quite pretty. How is that even possible......if im pretty i wont be looking like this at all.
I'm never contented i guess, trying so hard but i can't -cries-
rebonded my hair and it looks ok yay now second task: get piercings
i give up trying to forget about you becus that's not possible at all
Stuck in this downward spiral of self-hatred once again. Was talking to Grace today and I told her all my insecurities sigh like my fat nose etc (small lips...) and she say Im quite pretty. How is that even possible......if im pretty i wont be looking like this at all.
I'm never contented i guess, trying so hard but i can't -cries-
rebonded my hair and it looks ok yay now second task: get piercings
i give up trying to forget about you becus that's not possible at all
Sunday, October 13, 2013
i cut my hair
"Your mind is a garden,
your thoughts are the seeds,
you can grow flowers,
or you can grow weeds"
Hello guys, it's been awhile since I've blogged and alot of things happened recently. I feel the need to get all of this off my chest or else I can't sleep. Hmm where do i start....ok firstly, i cut my hair??!!??
And i kinda liked it, as in the length. I love my long hair, like really, the length and how it made me feel so feminine but it made me look mature seriously, People were usually saying i look older than my age (20-21) when im actually only 17 (not even 17 pls) so yeah after cutting my hair, i feel more refreshed and happier!! I feel that shorter hair makes me look younger and more energetic heheehe nowadays i feel more hyped up and i see so many people like erica and tricia looking so cute with shorter hair that i want to look like that too although im 100x way uglier than them.
secondly, i got fringe!!!!!!!! People who know me personally know that i have curly hair (not in a nice way) so its hard to maintain a nice fringe. BUT this time it's okay! Unexpected suprise hahaah the fringe looks nice and the length is perf. The only thing I don't like about my hair now is that the roots have grown out the past year so it's like not exactly straight all the way? It's more like poofy hair ahhhhh which is why im going to rebond my hair tomorrow but im really scared.....i hope it's not pin straight cause those hair are damn ugly and im going town straight.
A few days ago, or rather two days ago, i cried. It wasn't those normal crying where you will stop after a while and make all those sniffing noises. It's the kind of crying that tears just flowed uncontrollably and no matter how much you try to control your tears, it just flowed by itself. Whenever I try to talk, my voice just seem as if it got stuck?? My voice sounded damn croaky and hoarse, i can only talk loudly and i can't control my emotions at all. I was in a mess. And to think all these crying is caused by work.
I guess it's partly PMS cause I got my period yesterday but work really drives me crazy. It's like a machine that sucks away all my happiness and it always leaves me feeling so drained and empty. I don't even know why im so tired of working compared to other part timers. During work, i feel ok. I feel bored, sleepy, hungry but not rly unhappy. Just nuances of it like no lunch/dinner or some chef pissed me off but not like im grumpy the whole day. However, after work, all the negative feelings will start to overtake the positive ones and i will come home pissed, frustrated, unhappy. Then, if my mum asks me to work, i will scream and throw tantrums and hate work. Then, somehow despite all these hatred, i do look forward to work? Am i crazy or bi-polar or what. Maybe it's cause i know i play a important role in the restaurant but that day, i reached my limit.
The event was HELL. it was so noisy and cramped and did i mention the fact that i hate vain girls? I sometimes complain to people that girls are as annoying and bitchy as hell when I am a girl. i hate girls because they are so annoying?! Like camwhoring and insta and selfies and bitch talks (things I dont do usually or traits i hate about myself) I feel it's so insignificant and i rly cannot take nice selfies so im probably jealous some girls can do it and i cant so i hate it. Then, the event is a makeup event?! and there are girls who are dressed like dollls (WHICH I HATE) those fucking ugly big eye thick mascara and eyelash and act cute face. Wah i cannot.
Then, the trainee pissed me off so bad. She was going around giving ideas on what to do and giving the wrong information and being all stubborn and shit and insisting everything going her way when it's obviously wrong?!!?? Refusing to listen and stuff and all these shit. Not only that, head chef pissed me off by telling me off about some stupid macarons when he clearly is trying to vent his anger on someone. On top of all these, the event was complete chaos as there was no briefing beforehand like what kind of glasses to use and the office people had some conflict before the event. so the event was so bad and i had no lunch..... that's the worse part for someone who ate 3 plates of rice and 6 potatoes cubes plus veggies for LUNCH today. I was starving that i ate 2.5 bowls of rice for dinner after that (0.5 is alina's share ooops).
Didn't manage to take photos with that pretty girl but im so happy that she finally got a boyfee heehhehe so happy for her and they are so cute together. And alina is so pretty *~* she has nice features and she looks so freaking cute ahhhh can't wait to go out with her again.
Today's god bday so we had the event but im having my period so i didn't do much today. God said i think too much which is damn true. My semantic network is too good (psychology revision), basically i link anything to everything. Unfortunately, good thing is i remember alot of things. Bad side, i think too much about everything and worry too much for my own good. I don't appreciate whatever i have. I'm never satisified.
I'm greedy.
I eat fast to get another serving or to get more time so i can use it on something else. I study hard to get results and im not contented with 3.6 although everyone says it's quite good. I sleep 7-8 hrs so i can wake up early to do some work and not waste time. I multi-task and im always trying to find some easy way out if i can so i can get the same amount of work done with lesser effort. I'm greedy that i try to make sure nobody shortchange me. This results me in being unhappy all the time.
I need to change. Sitting at the back of the lorry today, I felt free. It's been a while since i felt that way. Looking at the night scenery with the cool wind blowing against me, i feel invincible and free and happy. I hope to feel that way. Always. Thank you for this wake up call. I need to do things that makes me happy.
#1: rebond hair
#2: get more piercings
#3: be toned
ok 3 is enough for now. I will work hard on this 3 before i set new goals. Mission 'improve yourself' starts now
xoxo
your thoughts are the seeds,
you can grow flowers,
or you can grow weeds"
Hello guys, it's been awhile since I've blogged and alot of things happened recently. I feel the need to get all of this off my chest or else I can't sleep. Hmm where do i start....ok firstly, i cut my hair??!!??
And i kinda liked it, as in the length. I love my long hair, like really, the length and how it made me feel so feminine but it made me look mature seriously, People were usually saying i look older than my age (20-21) when im actually only 17 (not even 17 pls) so yeah after cutting my hair, i feel more refreshed and happier!! I feel that shorter hair makes me look younger and more energetic heheehe nowadays i feel more hyped up and i see so many people like erica and tricia looking so cute with shorter hair that i want to look like that too although im 100x way uglier than them.
secondly, i got fringe!!!!!!!! People who know me personally know that i have curly hair (not in a nice way) so its hard to maintain a nice fringe. BUT this time it's okay! Unexpected suprise hahaah the fringe looks nice and the length is perf. The only thing I don't like about my hair now is that the roots have grown out the past year so it's like not exactly straight all the way? It's more like poofy hair ahhhhh which is why im going to rebond my hair tomorrow but im really scared.....i hope it's not pin straight cause those hair are damn ugly and im going town straight.
A few days ago, or rather two days ago, i cried. It wasn't those normal crying where you will stop after a while and make all those sniffing noises. It's the kind of crying that tears just flowed uncontrollably and no matter how much you try to control your tears, it just flowed by itself. Whenever I try to talk, my voice just seem as if it got stuck?? My voice sounded damn croaky and hoarse, i can only talk loudly and i can't control my emotions at all. I was in a mess. And to think all these crying is caused by work.
I guess it's partly PMS cause I got my period yesterday but work really drives me crazy. It's like a machine that sucks away all my happiness and it always leaves me feeling so drained and empty. I don't even know why im so tired of working compared to other part timers. During work, i feel ok. I feel bored, sleepy, hungry but not rly unhappy. Just nuances of it like no lunch/dinner or some chef pissed me off but not like im grumpy the whole day. However, after work, all the negative feelings will start to overtake the positive ones and i will come home pissed, frustrated, unhappy. Then, if my mum asks me to work, i will scream and throw tantrums and hate work. Then, somehow despite all these hatred, i do look forward to work? Am i crazy or bi-polar or what. Maybe it's cause i know i play a important role in the restaurant but that day, i reached my limit.
The event was HELL. it was so noisy and cramped and did i mention the fact that i hate vain girls? I sometimes complain to people that girls are as annoying and bitchy as hell when I am a girl. i hate girls because they are so annoying?! Like camwhoring and insta and selfies and bitch talks (things I dont do usually or traits i hate about myself) I feel it's so insignificant and i rly cannot take nice selfies so im probably jealous some girls can do it and i cant so i hate it. Then, the event is a makeup event?! and there are girls who are dressed like dollls (WHICH I HATE) those fucking ugly big eye thick mascara and eyelash and act cute face. Wah i cannot.
Then, the trainee pissed me off so bad. She was going around giving ideas on what to do and giving the wrong information and being all stubborn and shit and insisting everything going her way when it's obviously wrong?!!?? Refusing to listen and stuff and all these shit. Not only that, head chef pissed me off by telling me off about some stupid macarons when he clearly is trying to vent his anger on someone. On top of all these, the event was complete chaos as there was no briefing beforehand like what kind of glasses to use and the office people had some conflict before the event. so the event was so bad and i had no lunch..... that's the worse part for someone who ate 3 plates of rice and 6 potatoes cubes plus veggies for LUNCH today. I was starving that i ate 2.5 bowls of rice for dinner after that (0.5 is alina's share ooops).
Didn't manage to take photos with that pretty girl but im so happy that she finally got a boyfee heehhehe so happy for her and they are so cute together. And alina is so pretty *~* she has nice features and she looks so freaking cute ahhhh can't wait to go out with her again.
Today's god bday so we had the event but im having my period so i didn't do much today. God said i think too much which is damn true. My semantic network is too good (psychology revision), basically i link anything to everything. Unfortunately, good thing is i remember alot of things. Bad side, i think too much about everything and worry too much for my own good. I don't appreciate whatever i have. I'm never satisified.
I'm greedy.
I eat fast to get another serving or to get more time so i can use it on something else. I study hard to get results and im not contented with 3.6 although everyone says it's quite good. I sleep 7-8 hrs so i can wake up early to do some work and not waste time. I multi-task and im always trying to find some easy way out if i can so i can get the same amount of work done with lesser effort. I'm greedy that i try to make sure nobody shortchange me. This results me in being unhappy all the time.
I need to change. Sitting at the back of the lorry today, I felt free. It's been a while since i felt that way. Looking at the night scenery with the cool wind blowing against me, i feel invincible and free and happy. I hope to feel that way. Always. Thank you for this wake up call. I need to do things that makes me happy.
#1: rebond hair
#2: get more piercings
#3: be toned
ok 3 is enough for now. I will work hard on this 3 before i set new goals. Mission 'improve yourself' starts now
xoxo
Monday, October 7, 2013
everyone just shut the hell up
STOP ASKING ME TO WORK GODDAMNIT FUCK YOU. I KNOW HOW TO ORGANISE MY TIME SO SHUT UP AND LET ME DO WHAT I WANT. IM NOT EVEN FUCKING CLUBBING OR WHAT SHIT SO GIVE ME A BREAK AND STOP ASKING ME TO DO THIS AND THAT AND SAYING I KEEP GOING OUT BECUS I HAVENT EVEN WENT ONCE THIS ENTIRE HOLIDAY. SO ALL OF YOU JUST SHUT UP. SHUT THE HELL UP.
no fucking consideration for my feelings at all
no fucking consideration for my feelings at all
Friday, October 4, 2013
"Be comfortable in your own skin"
hello lovelies :-)
i did nothing much today except watching dramas and doing mindmaps. I'm really glad I managed to flush out all negative thoughts and try my best to be thankful for what I have. It's great, friends have been messaging me to ask me out since their promos are over and im having a movie marathon with zy tomorrow heheheheh so happy to have friends by my side. I need to love myself more, starting from inner self (I believe appearance is the hardest to love) and work hard to get a good GPA like joyce too hahahahha sigh if im not clever, I have to work doubly hard !!
Listened to jas and I can only just sigh (in a good way) cause she is unbelivably good, she's like my idol (if i have one) ~*~*~ but I know I can't compare myself to her because we are all good in our ways so to all my readers, do stay positive and appreciate yourself !! Trust me, it'll do you good ;)
time to sleep/watch dramas (based on my mood) heheheeheheehe bye
*sends out flying kisses to each and everyone of you who is reading this*
:-)
xoxo
i did nothing much today except watching dramas and doing mindmaps. I'm really glad I managed to flush out all negative thoughts and try my best to be thankful for what I have. It's great, friends have been messaging me to ask me out since their promos are over and im having a movie marathon with zy tomorrow heheheheh so happy to have friends by my side. I need to love myself more, starting from inner self (I believe appearance is the hardest to love) and work hard to get a good GPA like joyce too hahahahha sigh if im not clever, I have to work doubly hard !!
Listened to jas and I can only just sigh (in a good way) cause she is unbelivably good, she's like my idol (if i have one) ~*~*~ but I know I can't compare myself to her because we are all good in our ways so to all my readers, do stay positive and appreciate yourself !! Trust me, it'll do you good ;)
time to sleep/watch dramas (based on my mood) heheheeheheehe bye
*sends out flying kisses to each and everyone of you who is reading this*
:-)
xoxo
Thursday, October 3, 2013
plsdontlikeme
Hello blog. It's been ages since I blogged, sorry ): I'm sick recently, so sick that I went to visit the doc TWICE. Still kinda fed up that I tied 300 choc boxes in the freezing room like hello?? I'm sick with sore throat and cough and y'all still asked me to do that and I stood in the room for like 3-4 hrs straight and noone even bothered to ask me to stop or what zzz luckily I can go off at 8.30pm or else I will break down and cry and scream and probably die of coughing or care away all the customers and receive tons of complains. Anyway, I'm feeling so so so so much better now heheeheheh excluding the occasional cough and I'm in a pretty good mood today, right after I start to watch Love around. The male lead is just too handsum *~*
He is so darn handsome and I loooo0ooo0oove guys who are like these: quiet (so he can listen to me rant and talk) but with a hint of humour (to make me laugh) , handsome (effortlessly), charming, caring sobs and tall and so lovable with his shy smile and how he's always so cool and quiet and so understanding and a nice temper. I really need my future boyf to be like this sigh i really hope for someone who will never get tired of my voice and will always lend an listening ear. I guess this is why I cannot forget M. To me, he wasn't a lover although he's all of the above. He made me realised that he is the type of guy I love. To me, he was a brother that guided me and treat me like a princess hehehehehehe always listening to me and making me laugh and always always being there for me as a friend. I feel so loved (like a younger sis) by him and this made me realised that my future boyf needs to be like this too, somebody that treats me right :-) Too bad all these feelings have gone away......now we're just people we used to talk till late in the night. I really miss ya.... I bet you don't. I hope you still read my letter time to time but you got someone like her to make fun of, laugh with, talk to and i really think you're the one she talks about in her blog. It's sad and I keep comparing herself to me and I know it's wrong to just assume based on my gut instinct but it somehow just points to you. Not only that, she thinks you're handsome???????? you cfm talk to her ALOT. and this just makes me so sad. I really want you all to myself M. You are a special friend to me, someone who's not in my age group, someone all my friends don't know so I can tell you anything and everything. I know I should accept that we have no more topics which is why both of us stopped talking but I really wonder what do you and her talk about and you dislike girls who swear. That's why you want me to pay you 5 bux for every swear word i say or typed. She swears more than me, M. Come back to me please and I will never give you a reason to leave again. That's my wish and that's why wishes remains as wishes. Even if you do come back to me, we will just talk about me (only me because you don't really share) and we will run out of topics again becus we don't really have the same bunch of friends or whatever to talk about. Sigh I don't know whether it's a good or bad thing that you're gone now.........I miss you so bad, like so badly that I feel so sad whenever I read her blog. It's been three months and I hope you're doing fine and I will always remember you even if you forget me.
Watching love around made me so happy and I really feel like doing good things and everything good will happen to me if i believe in myself. What's wrong with me hhaahahhahaha must be staying at home too much. I haven't went out since the start of holidays???!! But finally, PROMOS R OVER. This means my sec sch friends are free and I can finally go out with them and I'm so excited to meet up with jas zy and yy heheheheheheheh i love them very much, so much that I feel so blessed to have them, so grateful that I want to give them a tight hug :-*
Also, I need to stop talking to X. I know you like me and talking to you isn't gonna make things easier. I have to stop sending out wrong signals and it's normal for friends to talk too so I can't shut you out completely but you have to stop talking to me. Stop worrying about me, it's not doing you any good liking someone like me. I'm not mature enough to be your gf or someone special to you. And I mean it when I say I'm not mature. I can't get past the fact that you are handsome, or above average (according to my standards) and the fact that you're working now and not studying. What kind of future will that be? Please. Call me a realist but I will never consider you as someone special. Never. so stop all of these.
I realise i should probably start reading up on my sch notes because I forgot EVERYTHING. but then.........I learnt that you can never forget in psych. There's only misplacing of information, no 'forgetting' AHAHAHAAHAHAHHAA so all these years I've been misplacing my attention which results in a misplace of information lol. ok so nerdy ah i can't take it.
Time to clear the air bye.
xoxo
He is so darn handsome and I loooo0ooo0oove guys who are like these: quiet (so he can listen to me rant and talk) but with a hint of humour (to make me laugh) , handsome (effortlessly), charming, caring sobs and tall and so lovable with his shy smile and how he's always so cool and quiet and so understanding and a nice temper. I really need my future boyf to be like this sigh i really hope for someone who will never get tired of my voice and will always lend an listening ear. I guess this is why I cannot forget M. To me, he wasn't a lover although he's all of the above. He made me realised that he is the type of guy I love. To me, he was a brother that guided me and treat me like a princess hehehehehehe always listening to me and making me laugh and always always being there for me as a friend. I feel so loved (like a younger sis) by him and this made me realised that my future boyf needs to be like this too, somebody that treats me right :-) Too bad all these feelings have gone away......now we're just people we used to talk till late in the night. I really miss ya.... I bet you don't. I hope you still read my letter time to time but you got someone like her to make fun of, laugh with, talk to and i really think you're the one she talks about in her blog. It's sad and I keep comparing herself to me and I know it's wrong to just assume based on my gut instinct but it somehow just points to you. Not only that, she thinks you're handsome???????? you cfm talk to her ALOT. and this just makes me so sad. I really want you all to myself M. You are a special friend to me, someone who's not in my age group, someone all my friends don't know so I can tell you anything and everything. I know I should accept that we have no more topics which is why both of us stopped talking but I really wonder what do you and her talk about and you dislike girls who swear. That's why you want me to pay you 5 bux for every swear word i say or typed. She swears more than me, M. Come back to me please and I will never give you a reason to leave again. That's my wish and that's why wishes remains as wishes. Even if you do come back to me, we will just talk about me (only me because you don't really share) and we will run out of topics again becus we don't really have the same bunch of friends or whatever to talk about. Sigh I don't know whether it's a good or bad thing that you're gone now.........I miss you so bad, like so badly that I feel so sad whenever I read her blog. It's been three months and I hope you're doing fine and I will always remember you even if you forget me.
Watching love around made me so happy and I really feel like doing good things and everything good will happen to me if i believe in myself. What's wrong with me hhaahahhahaha must be staying at home too much. I haven't went out since the start of holidays???!! But finally, PROMOS R OVER. This means my sec sch friends are free and I can finally go out with them and I'm so excited to meet up with jas zy and yy heheheheheheheh i love them very much, so much that I feel so blessed to have them, so grateful that I want to give them a tight hug :-*
Also, I need to stop talking to X. I know you like me and talking to you isn't gonna make things easier. I have to stop sending out wrong signals and it's normal for friends to talk too so I can't shut you out completely but you have to stop talking to me. Stop worrying about me, it's not doing you any good liking someone like me. I'm not mature enough to be your gf or someone special to you. And I mean it when I say I'm not mature. I can't get past the fact that you are handsome, or above average (according to my standards) and the fact that you're working now and not studying. What kind of future will that be? Please. Call me a realist but I will never consider you as someone special. Never. so stop all of these.
I realise i should probably start reading up on my sch notes because I forgot EVERYTHING. but then.........I learnt that you can never forget in psych. There's only misplacing of information, no 'forgetting' AHAHAHAAHAHAHHAA so all these years I've been misplacing my attention which results in a misplace of information lol. ok so nerdy ah i can't take it.
Time to clear the air bye.
xoxo
Monday, September 23, 2013
Happenings
Monday
I want you to love me as much as he loves her. I realised that you're still the one I want....I can't and will never get tired of you
Wanted to text j hahahahahahaahahahahahaahahahaha becus he seemed so stressed then I remember I don't really mean anything to him and he will probably be so freaked out or the suspicious him may come to a conclusion I stalked him so yeah.....I didn't LOL. Wanted to muster up my courage then I kinda forgot WTF LOLOLLLOL
Anyway today I realised I really AM ugly if I don't smile and that's what I do all day. So basically I'm ugly for the most of my life. Also, when I do smile, it's not the photogenic kind:I smile too wide open and my mouth is too small for my face and I look like shit.
Fuck my life
Update:
DONT TALK TO ME ANYMORE LA HATE COLLEAGUES BECUS THEY WILL ALL TRY TO GIVE ME A LECTURE AND I HAVE TO LISTEN AND IT MAKES ME FEEL BAD BECUS EVERYTHING THEY SAY IS SO TRUE
Today
Wanted to check my results early in the morning but then cannot access pft but then I managed to access the results now hehhehe and I got
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
3.6 yeap. Ok la in all honesty, it's not that bad and I should really be thankful because I scored the highest in um fundemental psy which leads to an A and my stats also A. But then, acad writing really pulled me down, the only subject which I got a C. This really tells me that I have to work harder and not be complacent becus 3.6 is very near to 3.5 which isn't really THAT good as everyone says so. Getting a 3.7 and above is better but I'm really thankful nonetheless that I managed to secure a 3.6 for the first sem for psychology. I have to continue working hard and my aim will be above 3.7 for next sem ;-) xoxo
I want you to love me as much as he loves her. I realised that you're still the one I want....I can't and will never get tired of you
Wanted to text j hahahahahahaahahahahahaahahahaha becus he seemed so stressed then I remember I don't really mean anything to him and he will probably be so freaked out or the suspicious him may come to a conclusion I stalked him so yeah.....I didn't LOL. Wanted to muster up my courage then I kinda forgot WTF LOLOLLLOL
Anyway today I realised I really AM ugly if I don't smile and that's what I do all day. So basically I'm ugly for the most of my life. Also, when I do smile, it's not the photogenic kind:I smile too wide open and my mouth is too small for my face and I look like shit.
Fuck my life
Update:
DONT TALK TO ME ANYMORE LA HATE COLLEAGUES BECUS THEY WILL ALL TRY TO GIVE ME A LECTURE AND I HAVE TO LISTEN AND IT MAKES ME FEEL BAD BECUS EVERYTHING THEY SAY IS SO TRUE
Today
Wanted to check my results early in the morning but then cannot access pft but then I managed to access the results now hehhehe and I got
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
3.6 yeap. Ok la in all honesty, it's not that bad and I should really be thankful because I scored the highest in um fundemental psy which leads to an A and my stats also A. But then, acad writing really pulled me down, the only subject which I got a C. This really tells me that I have to work harder and not be complacent becus 3.6 is very near to 3.5 which isn't really THAT good as everyone says so. Getting a 3.7 and above is better but I'm really thankful nonetheless that I managed to secure a 3.6 for the first sem for psychology. I have to continue working hard and my aim will be above 3.7 for next sem ;-) xoxo
Friday, September 20, 2013
t
Thursday
People come and go. I have to understand that. I need to accept this. Nowadays, I don't even talk to anyone much and I'm missing all my friends a lot. Poly friends are either overseas or busy with OCIP....nobody has time for me. Secondary school friends are all busy with their own personal life or studying for promos. This holiday has been therapeutic in a way that I have 'me' time, being alone doing things I like (watching dramas, listening to music, blogging, reading) but I'm really afraid that this might be the period of time I'm losing friends because I'm not active. Also, band has been really frustrating that I kind of grew tired explaining the same shit to people again and again. Recently, I've been busy with working, trying to do something more productive and that's the only form of communication I've had since holidays started (other than my family). I don't know whether to embrace this quiet lifestyle or trying out the life I always thought I liked (loud music, clubbing, going out with friends, doing crazy things, laughing loud, being out all day). I just know that too much of each is bad and now I have to start connecting with people again but it's hard when you are the only one who's free. I guess I just have to wait till end of promos and just work hard on improving myself now. Maybe this period of time is given to me to recharge myself before the start of school. I need to start focusing on myself and be a better person.
Reflection done. Time to read newspapers/calculate song durations/ meet Jeremy for scores printing/ memorise sharps and flats. After all these, that's when I can finally focus on improving myself. All these aside, I really cannot wait for the concert to be over. Enough of people putting me down. It's time to stand up for myself xo.
Friday
Band practice at night and I'm so goddamn tired and out of breath. sucks. period
Saturday
Currently packing up for concert later haahaha and it feels....like nothing LOL. I didn't even bother to ask anyone to attend the concert and it's my first time being the emcee. Sigh I really hope the concert will be ok.
Anyway, I realised I still like you alot. You're my dream guy. Someone who's a joker among his friends, being really charismatic and funny and selfless. He will only reveal his true side to his close friends and I want to be one of them. To me, you're perf. Even though you complain alot and other shit like smoking/drinking, I don't mind any of these. That's how I look at you and it sucks knowing that I can never have you and I'm measuring every guy to you, like how they match up to you and it hurts because I'm never gonna attract a guy like you. Never.
People come and go. I have to understand that. I need to accept this. Nowadays, I don't even talk to anyone much and I'm missing all my friends a lot. Poly friends are either overseas or busy with OCIP....nobody has time for me. Secondary school friends are all busy with their own personal life or studying for promos. This holiday has been therapeutic in a way that I have 'me' time, being alone doing things I like (watching dramas, listening to music, blogging, reading) but I'm really afraid that this might be the period of time I'm losing friends because I'm not active. Also, band has been really frustrating that I kind of grew tired explaining the same shit to people again and again. Recently, I've been busy with working, trying to do something more productive and that's the only form of communication I've had since holidays started (other than my family). I don't know whether to embrace this quiet lifestyle or trying out the life I always thought I liked (loud music, clubbing, going out with friends, doing crazy things, laughing loud, being out all day). I just know that too much of each is bad and now I have to start connecting with people again but it's hard when you are the only one who's free. I guess I just have to wait till end of promos and just work hard on improving myself now. Maybe this period of time is given to me to recharge myself before the start of school. I need to start focusing on myself and be a better person.
Reflection done. Time to read newspapers/calculate song durations/ meet Jeremy for scores printing/ memorise sharps and flats. After all these, that's when I can finally focus on improving myself. All these aside, I really cannot wait for the concert to be over. Enough of people putting me down. It's time to stand up for myself xo.
Friday
Band practice at night and I'm so goddamn tired and out of breath. sucks. period
Saturday
Currently packing up for concert later haahaha and it feels....like nothing LOL. I didn't even bother to ask anyone to attend the concert and it's my first time being the emcee. Sigh I really hope the concert will be ok.
Anyway, I realised I still like you alot. You're my dream guy. Someone who's a joker among his friends, being really charismatic and funny and selfless. He will only reveal his true side to his close friends and I want to be one of them. To me, you're perf. Even though you complain alot and other shit like smoking/drinking, I don't mind any of these. That's how I look at you and it sucks knowing that I can never have you and I'm measuring every guy to you, like how they match up to you and it hurts because I'm never gonna attract a guy like you. Never.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Word of the day
Hi. Yesterday was good. Met mummy at Northpoint to shop for work clothes and band shirt. Then, we headed to Causeway point for even more shopping but I didn't get anything ): Bought sushi and watched drama to 12 plus and this is how I'm spending my holidays lol. I'm basically either eating/sleeping/reading/working. I haven't started working out and I can feel all the fats sobs.
Today:
Supposed to wake up at 8 to do some hardcore conditioning (WTF HAHAHAAH i really find myself amusing) but then.......i woke up at 9.30am HAHAAHAHAHHA thus i didn't do any shit and rushed out of the house from work. Brought a chloe cake home heehehheheh to celebrate mummy and daddy birthday and yeah that's all. My life is so mundane that I can describe a day with one word. Like for today: birthday. Yesterday will be um shopping? I need to do something more productive or i will really slap myself for wasting the holidays.
Ok off to watch dramas heheheheehehehehe bye
Today:
Supposed to wake up at 8 to do some hardcore conditioning (WTF HAHAHAAH i really find myself amusing) but then.......i woke up at 9.30am HAHAAHAHAHHA thus i didn't do any shit and rushed out of the house from work. Brought a chloe cake home heehehheheh to celebrate mummy and daddy birthday and yeah that's all. My life is so mundane that I can describe a day with one word. Like for today: birthday. Yesterday will be um shopping? I need to do something more productive or i will really slap myself for wasting the holidays.
Ok off to watch dramas heheheheehehehehe bye
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Anderson
Hi. I guess this is the only place I can really vent out my frustrations. I just need to rant to someone (preferably wy) but that boy is to busy to listen to me complain about goddamn band again. Nobody's really free to listen to me because they have work/school/friends/life and it's always the same thing that makes me so unhappy: band. I said this to my friends so many times that I stopped believing that I can really do it. It's lost its meaning. I can NEVER quit band. I can't bring myself to. I just can't.
Every single time i complained about band, everyone just tell me to quit and I will go 'yes of course! Never am I gonna do that shit again, never am I doing that to myself again!!!!' But, I stayed on. After Anderson Military Band, I had enough. I had enough of being called a bimbo. I had enough of being under-appreciated. I had enough of telling myself that I can't be head QM because they told me I'm not good enough. I had enough of them ordering me what to do. I had enough of teachers thinking that I'm just a bimbo who can't do anything right without asking people to help. The only thing I can do is to persuade people to help me get things done and act like a bitch to people who don't side by me. I'm so disgusted with myself acting like this that I really wanted to quit band and start life anew. It's like an addiction; once you're in, don't ever think of getting out. Then, project comm 2013.
I didn't even want to join leband, I really wanted to stick to the promise I made to myself but I caved in again the moment I received a message from Shu Hui. I agreed without thinking much and now I'm here being where I thought I will be: angry/sad/frustrated/disappointed/under-appreciated. I was made librarian and god knows what they were thinking when they put me as librarian. I love logistics. I love every single part of it. I love running around, contacting people/vendors, arranging stage, all of it. Then, you put me in library because apparently, you all ASSUMED that I was a librarian. Since when was I a librarian? I've been in QM for three years and you all forgot that? Am I that insignificant? Not only that, you all said I look like a librarian so you put me there? Is that how you assign jobs? Based on the way we look? I still remembered you saying that 'assumption is the lowest level of intelligence'. You got that right, so why did you assumed I was a librarian????? Why aren't any of you making sense. All of you are just contradicting yourselves and all of your mistakes are hurting me.
Yesterday, I got a crude reply from you because I had to get help from you to print scores. Yes, it's my fault for not being professional Mr Lim. Yes, it's my fault for not getting you the oboe parts, Seow Hui. Yes, you were totally right in saying that I fucking sat there while logistics (WeiHan) helped me to find the scores. Yes, all my fault. Sorry I can't predict that Mr Lim needs oboe parts, sorry I'm not good enough. Sorry Shu Hui, I was working full shift so I can't give you the duration of songs.
I cried halfway while typing this and I realised there's no point of typing it all out because I still have to do it. I still have to do all this cause you're my senior. But there's only so much I can take. I have to stop telling myself to get my shit together and go one because it's really your fault. Why do I have to bear all this pain and hurt from your actions. I really hate being alone. But you, Mr Lim, you separated me from the section. Isn't that akin to separating me? Why must bass clarinetists sit away from their section? I only started opening up to Ping Ru last Saturday. Who likes to feel lonely? I had to endure three hours of scores-reading practice after practice. I didn't even had anyone to talk to. Just because I play a different instrument, you all treat me like this? Do you dislike me so much that you keep humiliating me in front of so many people?
I need to quit band. That's my goal for now. It's either I quit or I get respect from each and every one of you.
Every single time i complained about band, everyone just tell me to quit and I will go 'yes of course! Never am I gonna do that shit again, never am I doing that to myself again!!!!' But, I stayed on. After Anderson Military Band, I had enough. I had enough of being called a bimbo. I had enough of being under-appreciated. I had enough of telling myself that I can't be head QM because they told me I'm not good enough. I had enough of them ordering me what to do. I had enough of teachers thinking that I'm just a bimbo who can't do anything right without asking people to help. The only thing I can do is to persuade people to help me get things done and act like a bitch to people who don't side by me. I'm so disgusted with myself acting like this that I really wanted to quit band and start life anew. It's like an addiction; once you're in, don't ever think of getting out. Then, project comm 2013.
I didn't even want to join leband, I really wanted to stick to the promise I made to myself but I caved in again the moment I received a message from Shu Hui. I agreed without thinking much and now I'm here being where I thought I will be: angry/sad/frustrated/disappointed/under-appreciated. I was made librarian and god knows what they were thinking when they put me as librarian. I love logistics. I love every single part of it. I love running around, contacting people/vendors, arranging stage, all of it. Then, you put me in library because apparently, you all ASSUMED that I was a librarian. Since when was I a librarian? I've been in QM for three years and you all forgot that? Am I that insignificant? Not only that, you all said I look like a librarian so you put me there? Is that how you assign jobs? Based on the way we look? I still remembered you saying that 'assumption is the lowest level of intelligence'. You got that right, so why did you assumed I was a librarian????? Why aren't any of you making sense. All of you are just contradicting yourselves and all of your mistakes are hurting me.
Yesterday, I got a crude reply from you because I had to get help from you to print scores. Yes, it's my fault for not being professional Mr Lim. Yes, it's my fault for not getting you the oboe parts, Seow Hui. Yes, you were totally right in saying that I fucking sat there while logistics (WeiHan) helped me to find the scores. Yes, all my fault. Sorry I can't predict that Mr Lim needs oboe parts, sorry I'm not good enough. Sorry Shu Hui, I was working full shift so I can't give you the duration of songs.
I cried halfway while typing this and I realised there's no point of typing it all out because I still have to do it. I still have to do all this cause you're my senior. But there's only so much I can take. I have to stop telling myself to get my shit together and go one because it's really your fault. Why do I have to bear all this pain and hurt from your actions. I really hate being alone. But you, Mr Lim, you separated me from the section. Isn't that akin to separating me? Why must bass clarinetists sit away from their section? I only started opening up to Ping Ru last Saturday. Who likes to feel lonely? I had to endure three hours of scores-reading practice after practice. I didn't even had anyone to talk to. Just because I play a different instrument, you all treat me like this? Do you dislike me so much that you keep humiliating me in front of so many people?
I need to quit band. That's my goal for now. It's either I quit or I get respect from each and every one of you.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Every Cloud Has a Silver Lining
11-09-2013
Worked till 6 today before going Palais to take Karaoke set then rushed to Pasir Ris for BBQ hheheheheheheh the food was really good! It's even better cause we have chefs cooking for us heh but we were all DAMN THIRSTY cause Indbu took forever to bring the ice and drinks =_____= seriously everyone was like rushing to buy bottles and bottles of water and there was no ice till 9 plus. Then, we took pictures, cut cake and carried lanterns heheeheheh it was really nice to see so many people like QQ, wenqin, suzhen and the chefs from other outlets. I love them so much and it really feels like they are my family because i can tell them anything and everything. Went home at about 11 plus, managed to take the last train home WOOHOOOOO I'm finally not wasting money on cabs (except the trip to Palais and Pasir Ris).
Gonna see you tomorrow (finally) and I don't know what to feel. I really hope to have the old you back but I know that's not gonna happen...i just have to accept that I'm not important to you anymore and move on. Easy to say, hard to do. I miss you M, I really do.
12-09-2013
Woke up today at 10 to prepare to meet the others for lunch at Providore only to find that Mel's not working today ): Met mummy for lunch and bought shorts. My day has been boring and it's only gonna get worse with me working evening shift and im having cramps now help. Even sneezing hurts.
I truly loved you, now I'm walking away.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Rizca
Blogging now after a full shift at work and I'm amazed that I'm still quite energetic considering i just break camp yesterday. Had subcomn camp yesterday and I'm in Rizcac ( cranes and horses). The camp was physically and mentally TIRING, no kidding. We had to solve puzzles after puzzles and there were some unhappiness during the final clashes but overall, it was ok. It wasn't that bad but neither that good either. Everyone was so tired on the second day that we all just didn't really talk much and getting all angsty over little matters. There was one interesting part though: WAITING FOR SUPPER. We literally waited 2 hours for our food to come and mine was wrong ):< AFTER ALL THE HUNGER I WENT THROUGH, IT'S WRONG. Luckily, the food wasn't that bad plus i was too hungry to care whether it's the right one as long as i have food. It was funny because all of us were so hungry that we kept cursing. The angrier we get, the more we curse = more hungry HAHHAHAHAHA then we gave up being angry and waited in pain ): During this process, we woke many people up cause we were too hungry to remain quiet. Also, one fun part was racing with Ella and Ty in sleeping bags hahaahah, ty looked like a worm while ella looked like a bean HAHAHHAHA. Everyone was practically string at us or judging our intelligence but you know what, YOLO. I don't know when I'm gonna jump in a sleeping bag and race and laugh so much if i don't try!
After the camp, I accompanied my dad for dinner and it broke me when i realised i missed his birthday while going for camp ); I'm sorry daddy, I know I'm not a good daughter but i will try harder to make you proud. Please don't give up on me and thank you for loving me so much, you are the only person who really loves me no matter what. thank you (-:
My dad then sent me to gram's for dinner part 2!!! She cooked my fav: chicken rice and my aunt ordered pizza too. Then, we had mooncakes from royal park and shangri-la ?? (ok i kinda forgot the names). Sadly, we didn't order birdnest mooncakes this year ): Those are my all time favourite mooncake, oh and wu ren also...if only someone can recommend me where to buy wu ren. It's hard to find one good one though and my mum doesn't really approve of sweet stuff.
Sunday:
Woke up early and worked from 11-10. Had a H2H with Siva again and sigh, every talk makes me so depressed hahahah sigh ): Cried on the way home AGAIN and maybe that's the reason why I'm here typing all these out.
Sigh M, don't be so withdrawn anymore. You are worrying me and as a friend, I should ask if you are ok but I really doubt you'll care and you don't even talk to antoinette ppl anymore. We are once good friends (I thought) and I really don't want anything bad to happen to you. Hearing about this today made me really sad, you aren't even a really quiet guy on the inside. What happened? Wtf I saw a guy that's looks abit like you (height and shoe) and a part of me still wished it's you so I can ask you if you're ok because I do mean what I say when I told you that I will listen to your problems like how you listen to mine.
Siva, hearing your story made me really sad. You love her wholeheartedly but she didn't. Love isn't fair. You waited for her while she already left. You still feel all these while she is indifferent to you. She used you and you let her. All because of the fact that you miss her. Still, you kept believing she miss you. Yes she do, maybe, but things will never go back to where they are. Give up and stop hurting.
And to me, I have to stop caring because all these is gonna hurt me so bad. It's already hurting me now.
"Be more concerned about your character than your reputation"-John Wooden
After the camp, I accompanied my dad for dinner and it broke me when i realised i missed his birthday while going for camp ); I'm sorry daddy, I know I'm not a good daughter but i will try harder to make you proud. Please don't give up on me and thank you for loving me so much, you are the only person who really loves me no matter what. thank you (-:
My dad then sent me to gram's for dinner part 2!!! She cooked my fav: chicken rice and my aunt ordered pizza too. Then, we had mooncakes from royal park and shangri-la ?? (ok i kinda forgot the names). Sadly, we didn't order birdnest mooncakes this year ): Those are my all time favourite mooncake, oh and wu ren also...if only someone can recommend me where to buy wu ren. It's hard to find one good one though and my mum doesn't really approve of sweet stuff.
Sunday:
Woke up early and worked from 11-10. Had a H2H with Siva again and sigh, every talk makes me so depressed hahahah sigh ): Cried on the way home AGAIN and maybe that's the reason why I'm here typing all these out.
Sigh M, don't be so withdrawn anymore. You are worrying me and as a friend, I should ask if you are ok but I really doubt you'll care and you don't even talk to antoinette ppl anymore. We are once good friends (I thought) and I really don't want anything bad to happen to you. Hearing about this today made me really sad, you aren't even a really quiet guy on the inside. What happened? Wtf I saw a guy that's looks abit like you (height and shoe) and a part of me still wished it's you so I can ask you if you're ok because I do mean what I say when I told you that I will listen to your problems like how you listen to mine.
"Be more concerned about your character than your reputation"-John Wooden
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Happy Teacher's Day
Happy teachers day to all the teachers who are so loving and dedicated. Tbh, i don't think any teacher really likes me. I'm not very good or very bad for teachers to really notice me. I'm always kinda under appreciated sigh and i'm forever struggling with popularity. It's somehow so important to me to be popular, constantly surrounded people who are popz ( some don't even know they are popular). There's this thought that's always telling me that if you aren't popular, you are nothing. Like the dust in the air, like the weeds among the flowers, you are nothing. You mean nothing. And this troubles me alot, more than i should. I know this thinking is really bad but i really want to be popular ): And this is why i hate myself, I'm always looking down on others and I know that I shouldn't. In fact, I can't. I have no right to.
On a lighter note, I went back to anderson today and I'm really happy to see so many familiar faces. The people, or rather some made me realized that I need them. They really make me feel so comfortable and I'm really happy i feel that way around my poly friends too. I don't miss my sec sch friends that much as others do because I'm enjoying life in poly and it shows that i should keep it up! Nonetheless, it was really great to see them again, like how much we've changed in one year!! Went home with steph and truth to be told, I really miss her but I accept the fact that this is all we can ever be: friends. We can't progress to close or best friends but I'm just really thankful that we are still friends despite everything that has happened last year. Talked about poly, jc and friends made me really happy that it's still so easy to talk to her.
Went home and did household chores hahahaha and i flared up cause my mum cooked tomatoes and fish which I absolutely freaking HATE. I really abhor the smell of fish and the squishiness of tomatoes so it was really a struggle to finish it. I admit I was really rude as my emotions got the better of me. I need to keep my temper in check. I really hate fish and tomatoes that i can cry eating them lol that's how much i hate it.
Having subcomm camp tomorrow and I'm not rly looking forward to it. I haven't even fill up the form or pack anything unlike the previous times ): Feeling so lazy and I doubt it'll even be fun. Plus, I have to leave early to rush to my gram's to celebrate my sis bday sigh. It's gonna be tiring these two days and I still have work on Sunday. Skipping my band pracs for this camp so it better be good.
I hate my guts.
On a lighter note, I went back to anderson today and I'm really happy to see so many familiar faces. The people, or rather some made me realized that I need them. They really make me feel so comfortable and I'm really happy i feel that way around my poly friends too. I don't miss my sec sch friends that much as others do because I'm enjoying life in poly and it shows that i should keep it up! Nonetheless, it was really great to see them again, like how much we've changed in one year!! Went home with steph and truth to be told, I really miss her but I accept the fact that this is all we can ever be: friends. We can't progress to close or best friends but I'm just really thankful that we are still friends despite everything that has happened last year. Talked about poly, jc and friends made me really happy that it's still so easy to talk to her.
Went home and did household chores hahahaha and i flared up cause my mum cooked tomatoes and fish which I absolutely freaking HATE. I really abhor the smell of fish and the squishiness of tomatoes so it was really a struggle to finish it. I admit I was really rude as my emotions got the better of me. I need to keep my temper in check. I really hate fish and tomatoes that i can cry eating them lol that's how much i hate it.
Having subcomm camp tomorrow and I'm not rly looking forward to it. I haven't even fill up the form or pack anything unlike the previous times ): Feeling so lazy and I doubt it'll even be fun. Plus, I have to leave early to rush to my gram's to celebrate my sis bday sigh. It's gonna be tiring these two days and I still have work on Sunday. Skipping my band pracs for this camp so it better be good.
I hate my guts.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Be fit, not fat
Hi guys!
Woke up today to a good start by having 3 slices of walnut bread coated with Nutella mmmmm *~*
Headed to have some Korean food at my fav restaurant and shopped for awhile before watching City of Bones. Bought a 'fault in our stars' FINALLY NOW I CAN CRY LIKE OTHERS DID WHILE READING IT LOL.
Anyway i spent 13.90 on a cleaning swab for my bass clar meh ugh. Why are you not taking care of the instrument huh my dear junior? Feeling irritated that i have to spend my own money on a OLD bass clar because the new one is sent for repair (I chose to believe it's your fault tsk) plus i didn't get any pay on sunday ): Can everyone just let me whine about it.....stop saying it's a lesson learnt because i really really forgot about it unintentionally and this lesson cost me $77?????
Besides all this shit that i bought ( which I will regret when I'm broke), I purchased craft supplies for Alina's birthday hheheheeh but it's goddamn expensive too sobs and I treated my sis to today's lunch so bascially i spent 70++ = Sunday's pay.
Today's lunch was superb though, had pork, fried chicken and spring onion pancake. After eating all that, i felt fat and guilty. I need to start exercising so please give me strength to persevere pretty please. People need the strength to study, I need it to lose weight. Either way sucks though hmmm i shld start reading and live my life the way i want. Time to make a change during the holidays and I'm so excited to see what changes will there be in my life by October ;-)
Let me be something small yet significant in your life like your house keys . Something so small in your everyday life yet something that's so important and without it, your whole day is ruined.
Woke up today to a good start by having 3 slices of walnut bread coated with Nutella mmmmm *~*
Headed to have some Korean food at my fav restaurant and shopped for awhile before watching City of Bones. Bought a 'fault in our stars' FINALLY NOW I CAN CRY LIKE OTHERS DID WHILE READING IT LOL.
Anyway i spent 13.90 on a cleaning swab for my bass clar meh ugh. Why are you not taking care of the instrument huh my dear junior? Feeling irritated that i have to spend my own money on a OLD bass clar because the new one is sent for repair (I chose to believe it's your fault tsk) plus i didn't get any pay on sunday ): Can everyone just let me whine about it.....stop saying it's a lesson learnt because i really really forgot about it unintentionally and this lesson cost me $77?????
Besides all this shit that i bought ( which I will regret when I'm broke), I purchased craft supplies for Alina's birthday hheheheeh but it's goddamn expensive too sobs and I treated my sis to today's lunch so bascially i spent 70++ = Sunday's pay.
Today's lunch was superb though, had pork, fried chicken and spring onion pancake. After eating all that, i felt fat and guilty. I need to start exercising so please give me strength to persevere pretty please. People need the strength to study, I need it to lose weight. Either way sucks though hmmm i shld start reading and live my life the way i want. Time to make a change during the holidays and I'm so excited to see what changes will there be in my life by October ;-)
Let me be something small yet significant in your life like your house keys . Something so small in your everyday life yet something that's so important and without it, your whole day is ruined.
Monday, September 2, 2013
Life isn't fucking fair
Wanted to wake up at 8 today to study but i decided to reward myself for working so hard yesterday that i slept till 8.30 lol. I guess I'm really quite hard on myself, forever treating myself to such cruelty and always being so uptight and stuff ugh. I. NEED. TO. LOOSEN. UP. Had Antoinette cake and Project Runway for breakfast ehehehehh before i start to read up on all my take home assignments. Then, i left home but i was the latest fml sometimes i really wonder why did i choose to go TP.
I need to talk to you and i miss you so much. I need you to reassure me and i have so many things going on in my life right now. I miss you so badly but i don't have the courage to face you. I miss Nov-April, the days you encouraged and inspired me and taught me so many things.
They brighten my life :-)
Had lunch then off we go for stats!!! The paper was freaking two hours which reminded me so much of secondary school days but i finished it in an hour oops hahahahha not tryna brag HEHEHEHE. ok but i did use the remaining hour for checking and I'm feeling quite confident about it so hopefully it shows on the paper!
After the paper, Ella, Atiqah and I walked ALL the way from TP to Tampines which is like a 20 minutes walk... thankfully it was breezy if not i could have died under the hot sun with such a heavy bag. Bathed and messaged jacky about yesterday's pay and it turns out they won't pay me.
Seriously, da fuck? basically i worked for 11 hours for free and i forgot cause i was rushing home to study and just cause i forgot, no pay???? I worked, okay? WHAT THE FUCK LA BASICALLY I JUST WORKED FOR FUN AND I FUCKING HATE WORKING UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH
and ed still owes me 200 bux fuck work la kns
I may have to kill someone if i don't get an A for stats after all this shit i went through
//update
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Why I hate working
Being really frustrated, i told him so many things that happened in Antoinette that made me hate work. I hate serving people. I hate it. People always treat me like shit, having so many ridiculous suggestions that i lost faith in humanity. The people in Antoinette, i can't really trust. Like Edwin, I lent him 200 bux because he needed it and he didnt return despite me reminding him again and again. Then, Huisi. I told her to not tell anyone and she told Mel... wow and she calls me two-faced. And now, I'm just sad we don't talk anymore and a part of me believes we ran out of topic. But so? Even if we DID ran out of topic, his impression of me would've totally changed, right? To him, I'm probably a tattletale now and I don't even know how to face him. All this bullshit makes me hate work. And ah xian says i shouldn't even try to ask ed for the money anymore but still.... it's the 200 bux i earned sigh and this is one hell expensive lesson to learn.
Talked to Siva and i felt so sad, like really sad. My heart just fell when he told me he still love J no matter what even if she'll never go back to him. He still wears the couple necklace they had and the watch she bought for him. He still put her name under 'baby' and it has been five months since they broke up.
J did have a attitude problem but his love for her made me feel so stupid. Here I am, wishing for something called love and thinking it's so beautiful but actually, love is so painful. People my age are talking about love as a fantasy, holding lands, forehead kisses but love isn't just that. There's a heartbreaking side to it and we failed to see it. And yesterday, Siva showed me that side of love. I can't even bear to put myself in his shoes, loving someone so much but it's all going to be futile because that person is never gonna love you back.
Then, M. His love story isn't smooth-sailing and i feel so bad for him, someone that doesn't share his feelings or thoughts openly, to keep all this pain in his heart. How much can he bear before he break? And then yz and edwin. They do love each other but ed has a drinking addiction. These three pairs of lovers in Antoinette taught me to not wish for love anymore. I don't want to be hurt again and i should focus on improving myself before i think about love. Love will come to me when the time is right.
I went home with such a heavy heart that i cried. I feel so horrible and disgusting and so betrayed and so foolish. Yesterday taught me so many things that it totally changed my perspective in life. There are so many kinds of people in this world and i learnt to not trust people easily anymore. I have to stop the thinking that the world is fucking fair because it isn't. The world isn't fair. There are gonna be people to pull you down and you have to be prepared for that. I have to grow up and face reality. Gone were the days where everyone has a good side
And i hope this post explains why i hate work so much plus the fact that i have to wipe cutlery and clean toilets and scoldings from the chefs when there is wrong orders or whatnot.
Friday, August 30, 2013
This time tomorrow
Just mustered up my courage to open the chat and all those late night messages started flooding back. The call, the messages, the teasing, the laughter...before we stopped talking. you just stopped replying and i can't even blame anyone because we really ran out of topic and i was hoping we stopped talking because i can't think of anything to say, to keep the conversation alive. Then now,I'm missing those days but if I'm given another chance, i will surely try my best to keep talking to you because you are someone really important to you and i guess you'll never know that. You are important to me as a friend, someone that is mature, so different from my crazy friends. You are the constant in my life, the one that was always here for me those few months before everything changed. it's been two months, my dear friend, how long more must we be strangers to each other? I'm so so so so afraid to talk to you because you are apparently living your life and you have someone else new to talk to. Why will would you miss me? I don't have any reason for you to stay and talk to me and we are so different. It's really a miracle we were so close once.
But, i really miss you as my friend, someone i can complain to, someone i can rely on like a big bro, someone who is so calm that i feel so safe around you, someone that makes me angry but happy too. Sigh i really hate myself for being like this, thinking about it everyday for the past two months. I need to accept the fact that we're never be close again and i should be thankful for that six months of friendship......i need to get over this and start anew. I have to.
Maybe what's broken can start to shine again
But, i really miss you as my friend, someone i can complain to, someone i can rely on like a big bro, someone who is so calm that i feel so safe around you, someone that makes me angry but happy too. Sigh i really hate myself for being like this, thinking about it everyday for the past two months. I need to accept the fact that we're never be close again and i should be thankful for that six months of friendship......i need to get over this and start anew. I have to.
Maybe what's broken can start to shine again
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Learning point
"you have to be silent in order to listen"
Time to start studying hehehehhehe and get that fucking A and prove to everybody I'm worth that ten raw points i got and i'm really better than everybody. I'm gonna ace it since it's what i'm born to do plus it's maths. Ok i'm just saying all this to motivate myself hahaha cause nobody ever motivates me so hard except for me myself bahahhah ok i shall start now.
-update-
so basically i spent 12 hours on studying,eating,exercising and trying really hard to stay focused. I managed to revise 6,7,8 so I'm left with 9, 10 and i REALLY REALLY NEED TO FINISH THEM before band
T-T can someone fucking save me I hate being a librarian i swear it's so fucking tedious and I HATE GIVING OUT SCORES LA. I like to sit and wait for the scores to be passed to me and not stand up, collect scores, print scores ughh life sucks why choose me sobs.
So tomorrow i need to go earlier and give out scores and smoke my way through during band prac. Anyway, I'm seeing my band mates hehehe ok i hope everything goes well tomorrow before i resume working on saturday and sunday......
Being kiasi, i decided to read up on chapter 9 first so at least tomorrow i can have more time to compile everything hahahaah loser is me bye
Time to start studying hehehehhehe and get that fucking A and prove to everybody I'm worth that ten raw points i got and i'm really better than everybody. I'm gonna ace it since it's what i'm born to do plus it's maths. Ok i'm just saying all this to motivate myself hahaha cause nobody ever motivates me so hard except for me myself bahahhah ok i shall start now.
-update-
so basically i spent 12 hours on studying,eating,exercising and trying really hard to stay focused. I managed to revise 6,7,8 so I'm left with 9, 10 and i REALLY REALLY NEED TO FINISH THEM before band
T-T can someone fucking save me I hate being a librarian i swear it's so fucking tedious and I HATE GIVING OUT SCORES LA. I like to sit and wait for the scores to be passed to me and not stand up, collect scores, print scores ughh life sucks why choose me sobs.
So tomorrow i need to go earlier and give out scores and smoke my way through during band prac. Anyway, I'm seeing my band mates hehehe ok i hope everything goes well tomorrow before i resume working on saturday and sunday......
Being kiasi, i decided to read up on chapter 9 first so at least tomorrow i can have more time to compile everything hahahaah loser is me bye
Music of the Night
so i finally went to watch phantom of the opera today....and it's really money well-spent.
THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA is a heart-wrenching story of the mysterious, hideously disfigured Phantom who lives beneath the Paris Opera House, and his obsession with the young singer Christine. Disguised as the 'Angel of Music' he devotes himself to creating a new opera star, and winning her love from his rival Raoul, while exercising a reign of terror over the Opera House.
We sat quite at the front at row Q, i was expecting it to be further back but it turned out that the seats were really quite good. It was really very clear and the band was darn good. It sounded like a playlist more than live music. Not only that, the ballerinas were top-notch. Watching phantom made me feel so lucky that i'm able to enjoy such things in life. I paid for the musical with my hard-earned money and this made it even extra-special. It shows i'm independent to some extent that i can afford this luxury. On a side note, i spent 168 on this musical hahahaha i guess i have to work harder to earn those money back. Actually, i have to work very hard this month because i spent too much ): i don't even dare to tally all my expenditures hahahaha sobs i'm a loser.
Anyway, i went to the musical with yy but somehow, i feel that she changed. its not the looks or anything physical but rather attitude. Does jc do that??Does jc changes people because it's too stressful?? I still like the old her, the one that doesn't judge that much like now, the one that isn't selfish unlike now. All these changes make me so stressful, did she really change or was she always like that, just that i didn't notice it?? Somehow, her comments hurt me nowadays but nonetheless, she's still a great friend to have. We went home straightaway after the musical because she has school tomorrow ): sch sux
Today is also my sis birthday hahahah she's finally eighteen ('-: I may say i hate her and bully her but i'm thankful to have her sometimes. I know we have lots of disagreements, but no matter what, the next day all hatred will be gone. Thank you for always helping me. I will buy you your present soon.
i miss you.
I thought i will never lose you but i did
Now, i will have to live this regret
THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA is a heart-wrenching story of the mysterious, hideously disfigured Phantom who lives beneath the Paris Opera House, and his obsession with the young singer Christine. Disguised as the 'Angel of Music' he devotes himself to creating a new opera star, and winning her love from his rival Raoul, while exercising a reign of terror over the Opera House.
We sat quite at the front at row Q, i was expecting it to be further back but it turned out that the seats were really quite good. It was really very clear and the band was darn good. It sounded like a playlist more than live music. Not only that, the ballerinas were top-notch. Watching phantom made me feel so lucky that i'm able to enjoy such things in life. I paid for the musical with my hard-earned money and this made it even extra-special. It shows i'm independent to some extent that i can afford this luxury. On a side note, i spent 168 on this musical hahahaha i guess i have to work harder to earn those money back. Actually, i have to work very hard this month because i spent too much ): i don't even dare to tally all my expenditures hahahaha sobs i'm a loser.
Anyway, i went to the musical with yy but somehow, i feel that she changed. its not the looks or anything physical but rather attitude. Does jc do that??Does jc changes people because it's too stressful?? I still like the old her, the one that doesn't judge that much like now, the one that isn't selfish unlike now. All these changes make me so stressful, did she really change or was she always like that, just that i didn't notice it?? Somehow, her comments hurt me nowadays but nonetheless, she's still a great friend to have. We went home straightaway after the musical because she has school tomorrow ): sch sux
Today is also my sis birthday hahahah she's finally eighteen ('-: I may say i hate her and bully her but i'm thankful to have her sometimes. I know we have lots of disagreements, but no matter what, the next day all hatred will be gone. Thank you for always helping me. I will buy you your present soon.
Monday, August 26, 2013
Holding on and Letting go
Went to celebrate zy birthday yesterday with the clique at sentosa! Tried something i normally wouldn't do: sky ride. We met at around 3pm and we bought tickets for 3 rides. The sky ride looked really scary at first but i remember telling myself that i only lived once so i went with the others and i didn't regret my choice afterall. The skyride is moving at such a slow speed that you can see everything clearly and the weather was really good. The breeze, the people, it just made me happy and relaxed although there was still abit of fear that the rope might not be strong enough and i might plunge to my death. Then, luge time. Luge was really good even though i came in last for both rounds hahaahah then for the last ride, i went first!! Luge felt so carefree as i swerved and drifted. After all that, we had dinz at thai express and the noodles was so good wtf i never knew thai express was that good. Why didn't i realise this sooner.. Then we took polaroids and lotsa pictures to end the night. Took the train with justin, ivan, rainer and feili and it brought back lotsa memories from secondary 4 sighhh, the yishun gang. Talking to them always make me feel so happy and loved because all of us can just talk about anything like even condoms hahaha and it still won't be awkward. Talked to them about people in psych having 14 points while i have 10 points thus i might have an advantage and justin said i have to let go.
It's true though, i had been too proud over the fact that i scored the best among them and this is hindering me from improving. I'm too complacent nowadays and i need to remember i can't always be the best. I have to work hard.
All these aside, i realised that i still like you best. Your smile, your voice, the way you walk, the way you talk made me realised i never really gotten over you. I merely just shifted my love for you to someone else. Now that he is gone, i realised i still like you. You were the one i always wanted and not him. I'm thankful that i finally admitted my feelings to myself and not running away from it. Although we will never be together, I'm happy for all the memories. It's too painful to love you and now after admitting it, i can finally move on. It's over.
It's everything you wanted, it's everything you don't
It's true though, i had been too proud over the fact that i scored the best among them and this is hindering me from improving. I'm too complacent nowadays and i need to remember i can't always be the best. I have to work hard.
All these aside, i realised that i still like you best. Your smile, your voice, the way you walk, the way you talk made me realised i never really gotten over you. I merely just shifted my love for you to someone else. Now that he is gone, i realised i still like you. You were the one i always wanted and not him. I'm thankful that i finally admitted my feelings to myself and not running away from it. Although we will never be together, I'm happy for all the memories. It's too painful to love you and now after admitting it, i can finally move on. It's over.
It's everything you wanted, it's everything you don't
Friday, August 23, 2013
Se7en; The Seven Deadly Sins
Is it weird that I'm drawn to things that are taboo like tattoos, prisons and murders? Watching movies that are mystery horror seems so satisfying for me. The way the killers think... the way they devised a impeccable plan to execute their murder is just so.. spectacular, like how the heck they thought of it?? I'm really thankful noone reads this blog or i can just die because seriously, i think this is too weird.
Anyway, today is just booooooooooring. Spending my days eating, sleeping, working, studying makes me wonder if i should live anymore. My life is as good as non-existent. I'm just surviving and not thriving like what i promised myself to do. Can something good just happen to me already? So sick of waiting and hoping every night that something miraculous might happen to me like you talking to me. Ha, foolish me, still clinging on to you after so many months. I need to re-organise my life and that starts with me preparing to go for band practice...sobs bye
Please let me reach high notes today ):
Anyway, today is just booooooooooring. Spending my days eating, sleeping, working, studying makes me wonder if i should live anymore. My life is as good as non-existent. I'm just surviving and not thriving like what i promised myself to do. Can something good just happen to me already? So sick of waiting and hoping every night that something miraculous might happen to me like you talking to me. Ha, foolish me, still clinging on to you after so many months. I need to re-organise my life and that starts with me preparing to go for band practice...sobs bye
Please let me reach high notes today ):
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