Saturday, December 28, 2013

love letter

dear samantha
i’m sorry
we have to get a divorce
i know that seems like an odd way to start a love letter but let me explain:
it’s not you
it sure as hell isn’t me
it’s just human beings don’t love as well as insects do
i love you.. far too much to let what we have be ruined by the failings of our species

i saw the way you looked at the waiter last night
i know you would never DO anything, you never do but..
i saw the way you looked at the waiter last night

did you know that when a female fly accepts the pheromones put off by a male fly, it re-writes her brain, destroys the receptors that receive pheromones, sensing the change, the male fly does the same. when two flies love each other they do it so hard, they will never love anything else ever again. if either one of them dies before procreation can happen both sets of genetic code are lost forever. now that… is dedication.

after Elizabeth and i broke up we spent three days dividing everything we had bought together
like if i knew what pots were mine like if i knew which drapes were mine somehow the pain would go away

this is not true

after two praying mantises mate, the nervous system of the male begins to shut down
while he still has control over his motor functions
he flops onto his back, exposing his soft underbelly up to his lover like a gift
she then proceeds to lovingly dice him into tiny cubes
spooning every morsel into her mouth
she wastes nothing
even the exoskeleton goes
she does this so that once their children are born she has something to regurgitate to feed them
now that.. is selflessness

i could never do that for you

so i have a new plan
i’m gonna leave you now
i’m gonna spend the rest of my life committing petty injustices
i hope you do the same
i will jay walk at every opportunity
i will steal things i could easily afford
i will be rude to strangers
i hope you do the same
i hope reincarnation is real
i hope our petty crimes are enough to cause us to be reborn as lesser creatures
i hope we are reborn as flies
so that we can love each other as hard as we were meant to.

-Jared Singer 

Such a sad and emotional love letter, but i wonder how i will feel if im ever a recipient of such a letter. It's funny how some things are not necessarily good when complicated, like love.


met up with AMB today for POP and i was really happy hahaha seeing my batchmates and some juniors, no matter how much i say i hate band, i will still love it with all my heart. Met mr lim and i really could feel his love sighh his warm smile and his teasings :'-) i really love him alot haahah although he's a reason why i hate myself sometimes.

After POP, walked to grandma house for a simple xmas dinner and it was really good. My whole family kept making jokes and the atmosphere was so loving and comfortable and warm haahaha so thankful and lucky to have a bunch of such amazing family members. Heard that justin is scoring all A's again in uni and he's currently going london, kinda regret i didn't get to know him more till this year.

Really really really love my family and friends (amb) and today was simply a good day becus i received stickers from ken too!!! And they are from legit designers heehehehehe :-)

gonna prepare to sleep now


Friday, December 27, 2013


'don't tell me things i already know'
-my feelings all summed up today

Today was SHITTY.

Zy was late and we just studied..didnt really catch up much but i was really surprised by her present lol (hand cream) then she left me to find her fam for dinz. Thought she might stay and accompany me but it's ok, i wasn't in a good mood to chit chat also and i'd rather be alone. ella called but i rejected her and atiqah's request to go simpang (too far) plus i wanted to do some shopping. Shopped and i saw a pair of maroon camo shoes i really liked??!! Stood there for 5 mins searching for size converters and this freaking shop assistant took a pair from the rack and i realised it ran out of my size fuck. Maybe that shop assistant took my size sigh...paced around the level for 10 mins before asking for my size but all are already displayed :'-( rushed to kino to buy a book for my sis (the alchemist) becus i still remember mark lo saying it's a really nice book and i want to read it for myself hahahahaha then brisk walk-ed to orchard outlet and
I FOUND THE FUCKING SHOE!!!!!!! hallelujah hahahahah was so freaking happy and thinking about it, why was i hesitant when paying? i love it ahhhh ahahahha and i bought a new top too (leather x shiny maroon)

was feeling proud and happy till i came home and checked my phone. told to change my style and i look like a typical chinese girl and my hair and my specs and my fasion sense.


Thursday, December 26, 2013

It's time for me to let go and move on

'Sometimes the chains that prevent us from being free are more mental than physical.'

celebrated christmas yesterday itching cause i got alcohol allergy fml drank 2 shots of vodka and the next minute, I'm itching and red spots start to appear on my face (while im working) ha ha ha customers must have thought im a disgusting prick.

Received a carebear from jacky(which i love) hahahaha and i never really loved the thought of getting stuffed toys as presents. It feels like a waste of space and lack of thought but oh well the carebear is a pretty shade of pink and kinda nice to hug so yeap this shall be an exception!

work was okay but i think im spending too much time on it... so tired that i knocked out for 10 hrs straight followed by a 2hr nap today (no work no school) and i didnt even talk to anybody. So tired.. what happened to this holiday being productive (study-wise) and feeling good about myself. Two weeks has passed, and im even more tired and sleepy and fat and unhappy. I feel so lazy to talk to anyone and this is really not a good sign :(

off to buy medicine, hopefully they will sell it to me and then back to physio assignment -sighs-

on a side note, i really wanna go shopping and restock my clothes


Monday, December 23, 2013

Don't ever forget me

"I still love the people I’ve loved, even if I cross the street to avoid them."



Thursday, December 19, 2013


I just want to break down n cry, all my hard work has vanished into thin air now.
I have been called 'insignificant'.

I have moved on from that.

I have decided that whatever you all label me as, I don't care. I don't care about what people think of me as long as I believe in myself. Besides, I gave up on popularity cause that's not who I am. I tried to be once in secondary school and I never succeed. Even the friends I've made aren't through popularity. They were genuine friends, the very first to love me for who I am: a listener. I listen. I don't talk alot at the start unless we are very close or I feel a need to start conversation to prevent awkwardness. Basically,  I listen to people's problem's and offer encouraging words and im their emotional support. That's what I do.

Popular people on the other hand, they are loud. They shine. They listen lesser. They love the spotlight. They are friendly, funny, but most importantly they are loud. They are too loud that it's hard for them to settle down and listen. Popular people are fun people, they don't dwell on sadness. But me? I'm engulfed in sadness because I listen to people's problems. If people don't tell me their problems, there's no topic between us. I'm fun-loving but I attract sadness more. I survive on sadness. Sadness pushes me down and forces me to strive harder and be better while happiness is something that's keep me sane sometimes. I'm never really a happy person. People may see me as someone who's very nice and laughs at everything but I'm not genuinely happy. Sure those things do make me happy but not for long. It takes alot to make me happy. I can be happy cause I said a good joke and I bought a pretty top but it isn't enough to keep me happy the whole day. However I feel happy when people share their thoughts with me and have intellectual conversations. I will just go on and on and feel really happy cause I became wiser. I will feel happy if im productive too. Call me boring or whatever but those are really things I prefer and popularity can't give me that. Socialising is really tiring to me and I don't have the commitment. I don't have the time to keep chatting on whatsapp chats and go for outings and take photos and spend money. Im not rich too. Plus popularity will cost me my family time. At this time, I can't abadon my family again. That's what I did in secondary school. I didn't know how to juggle. I chose band. And that led me to here.

Not that it's bad but if I have to choose again, I don't know if I will choose band. Sure, band was fun and it's a second family but the commitment is too much. Two concerts every year, five aspects of leadership,  blue blood culture.  It's too huge a commitment st a young age of 13. It's like signing up for a family when I already have one. You are expected to perform well in everything and then, the politics. The thing I hate the most: politics.

You have to be good to attract people who will give you an advantage. You have to play politics, choose and take sides. It's certainly not a pretty sight. You have to suck up and suck it up. You have to be strong. People aren't going to choose you just cause you're nice. You have to be strong. You have to prove it. And that's painful cause I was under-appreciated before. I have been alone before. I have expected too much and I crashed. I cried. I suffered. Band is really the most life-changing experiences to me. And I don't know if im willing to go through all that. Because of band, I became friends-orientated too. I abandon my family.