Monday, September 23, 2013


I want you to love me as much as he loves her. I realised that you're still the one I want....I can't and will never get tired of you

Wanted to text j hahahahahahaahahahahahaahahahaha becus he seemed so stressed then I remember I don't really mean anything to him and he will probably be so freaked out or the suspicious him may come to a conclusion I stalked him so yeah.....I didn't LOL. Wanted to muster up my courage then I kinda forgot WTF LOLOLLLOL

Anyway today I realised I really AM ugly if I don't smile and that's what I do all day. So basically I'm ugly for the most of my life. Also, when I do smile, it's not the photogenic kind:I smile too wide open and my mouth is too small for my face and I look like shit.

Fuck my life


Wanted to check my results early in the morning but then cannot access pft but then I managed to access the results now hehhehe and I got
3.6 yeap. Ok la in all honesty, it's not that bad and I should really be thankful because I scored the highest in um fundemental psy which leads to an A and my stats also A. But then, acad writing really pulled me down, the only subject which I got a C. This really tells me that I have to work harder and not be complacent becus 3.6 is very near to 3.5 which isn't really THAT good as everyone says so. Getting a 3.7 and above is better but I'm really thankful nonetheless that I managed to secure a 3.6 for the first sem for psychology. I have to continue working hard and my aim will be above 3.7 for next sem ;-) xoxo

Friday, September 20, 2013



People come and go. I have to understand that. I need to accept this. Nowadays, I don't even talk to anyone much and I'm missing all my friends a lot. Poly friends are either overseas or busy with OCIP....nobody has time for me. Secondary school friends are all busy with their own personal life or studying for promos. This holiday has been therapeutic in a way that I have 'me' time, being alone doing things I like (watching dramas, listening to music, blogging, reading) but I'm really afraid that this might be the period of time I'm losing friends because I'm not active. Also, band has been really frustrating that I kind of grew tired explaining the same shit to people again and again. Recently, I've been busy with working, trying to do something more productive and that's the only form of communication I've had since holidays started (other than my family). I don't know whether to embrace this quiet lifestyle or trying out the life I always thought I liked (loud music, clubbing, going out with friends, doing crazy things, laughing loud, being out all day). I just know that too much of each is bad and now I have to start connecting with people again but it's hard when you are the only one who's free. I guess I just have to wait till end of promos and just work hard on improving myself now. Maybe this period of time is given to me to recharge myself before the start of school. I need to start focusing on myself and be a better person.

Reflection done. Time to read newspapers/calculate song durations/ meet Jeremy for scores printing/ memorise sharps and flats. After all these, that's when I can finally focus on improving myself. All these aside, I really cannot wait for the concert to be over. Enough of people putting me down. It's time to stand up for myself xo.


Band practice at night and I'm so goddamn tired and out of breath. sucks. period


Currently packing up for concert later haahaha and it nothing LOL. I didn't even bother to ask anyone to attend the concert and it's my first time being the emcee. Sigh I really hope the concert will be ok.

Anyway, I realised I still like you alot. You're my dream guy. Someone who's a joker among his friends, being really charismatic and funny and selfless. He will only reveal his true side to his close friends and I want to be one of them. To me, you're perf. Even though you complain alot and other shit like smoking/drinking, I don't mind any of these. That's how I look at you and it sucks knowing that I can never have you and I'm measuring every guy to you, like how they match up to you and it hurts because I'm never gonna attract a guy like you. Never.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Word of the day

Hi. Yesterday was good. Met mummy at Northpoint to shop for work clothes and band shirt. Then, we headed to Causeway point for even more shopping but I didn't get anything ): Bought sushi and watched drama to 12 plus and this is how I'm spending my holidays lol. I'm basically either eating/sleeping/reading/working. I haven't started working out and I can feel all the fats sobs.

Supposed to wake up at 8 to do some hardcore conditioning (WTF HAHAHAAH i really find myself amusing) but then.......i woke up at 9.30am HAHAAHAHAHHA thus i didn't do any shit and rushed out of the house from work. Brought a chloe cake home heehehheheh to celebrate mummy and daddy birthday and yeah that's all. My life is so mundane that I can describe a day with one word. Like for today: birthday. Yesterday will be um shopping? I need to do something more productive or i will really slap myself for wasting the holidays.

Ok off to watch dramas heheheheehehehehe bye

Sunday, September 15, 2013


Hi. I guess this is the only place I can really vent out my frustrations. I just need to rant to someone (preferably wy) but that boy is to busy to listen to me complain about goddamn band again. Nobody's really free to listen to me because they have work/school/friends/life and it's always the same thing that makes me so unhappy: band. I said this to my friends so many times that I stopped believing that I can really do it. It's lost its meaning. I can NEVER quit band. I can't bring myself to. I just can't.

Every single time i complained about band, everyone just tell me to quit and I will go 'yes of course! Never am I gonna do that shit again, never am I doing that to myself again!!!!' But, I stayed on. After Anderson Military Band, I had enough. I had enough of being called a bimbo. I had enough of being under-appreciated. I had enough of telling myself that I can't be head QM because they told me I'm not good enough. I had enough of them ordering me what to do. I had enough of teachers thinking that I'm just a bimbo who can't do anything right without asking people to help. The only thing I can do is to persuade  people to help me get things done and act like a bitch to people who don't side by me. I'm so disgusted with myself acting like this that I really wanted to quit band and start life anew. It's like an addiction; once you're in, don't ever think of getting out. Then, project comm 2013.

 I didn't even want to join leband, I really wanted to stick to the promise I made to myself but I caved in again the moment  I received a message from Shu Hui. I agreed without thinking much and now I'm here being where I thought I will be: angry/sad/frustrated/disappointed/under-appreciated. I was made librarian and god knows what they were thinking when they put me as librarian. I love logistics. I love every single part of it. I love running around, contacting people/vendors, arranging stage, all of it. Then, you put me in library because apparently, you all ASSUMED that I was a librarian. Since when was I a librarian? I've been in QM for three years and you all forgot that? Am I that insignificant? Not only that, you all said I look like a librarian so you put me there? Is that how you assign jobs? Based on the way we look? I still remembered you saying that 'assumption is the lowest level of intelligence'. You got that right, so why did you assumed I was a librarian????? Why aren't any of you making sense. All of you are just contradicting yourselves and all of your mistakes are hurting me.

Yesterday, I got a crude reply from you because I had to get help from you to print scores. Yes, it's my fault for not being professional Mr Lim. Yes, it's my fault for not getting you the oboe parts, Seow Hui. Yes, you were totally right in saying that I fucking sat there while logistics (WeiHan) helped me to find the scores. Yes, all my fault. Sorry I can't predict that Mr Lim needs oboe parts, sorry I'm not good enough. Sorry Shu Hui, I  was working full shift so I can't give you the duration of songs.

I cried halfway while typing this and I realised there's no point of typing it all out because I still have to do it. I still have to do all this cause you're my senior. But there's only so much I can take. I have to stop telling myself to get my shit together and go one because it's really your fault. Why do I have to bear all this pain and hurt from your actions. I really hate being alone. But you, Mr Lim, you separated me from the section. Isn't that akin to separating me? Why must bass clarinetists sit away from their section? I only started opening up to Ping Ru last Saturday. Who likes to feel lonely? I had to endure three hours of scores-reading practice after practice. I didn't even had anyone to talk to. Just because I play a different instrument, you all treat me like this? Do you dislike me so much that you keep humiliating me in front of so many people?

I need to quit band. That's my goal for now. It's either I quit or I get respect from each and every one of you.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Every Cloud Has a Silver Lining

Worked till 6 today before going Palais to take Karaoke set then rushed to Pasir Ris for BBQ hheheheheheheh the food was really good! It's even better cause we have chefs cooking for us heh but we were all DAMN THIRSTY cause Indbu took forever to bring the ice and drinks =_____= seriously everyone was like rushing to buy bottles and bottles of water and there was no ice till 9 plus. Then, we took pictures, cut cake and carried lanterns heheeheheh it was really nice to see so many people like QQ, wenqin, suzhen and the chefs from other outlets. I love them so much and it really feels like they are my family because i can tell them anything and everything. Went home at about 11 plus, managed to take the last train home WOOHOOOOO  I'm finally not wasting money on cabs (except the trip to Palais and Pasir Ris).

Gonna see you tomorrow (finally) and I don't know what to feel. I really hope to have the old you back but I know that's not gonna happen...i just have to accept that I'm not important to you anymore and move on. Easy to say, hard to do. I miss you M, I really do.

In the end, it's just me against the world.


Woke up today at 10 to prepare to meet the others for lunch at Providore only to find that Mel's not working today ): Met mummy for lunch and bought shorts. My day has been boring and it's only gonna get worse with me working evening shift and im having cramps now help. Even sneezing hurts.

I truly loved you, now I'm walking away.

Sunday, September 8, 2013


Blogging now after a full shift at work and I'm amazed that I'm still quite energetic considering i just break camp yesterday. Had subcomn camp yesterday and I'm in Rizcac ( cranes and horses). The camp was physically and mentally TIRING, no kidding. We had to solve puzzles after puzzles and there were some unhappiness during the final clashes but overall, it was ok. It wasn't that bad but neither that good either. Everyone was so tired on the second day that we all just didn't really talk much and getting all angsty over little matters. There was one interesting part though: WAITING FOR SUPPER. We literally waited 2 hours for our food to come and mine was wrong ):< AFTER ALL THE HUNGER I WENT THROUGH, IT'S WRONG. Luckily, the food wasn't that bad plus i was too hungry to care whether it's the right one as long as i have food. It was funny because all of us were so hungry that we kept cursing. The angrier we get, the more we curse = more hungry HAHHAHAHAHA then we gave up being angry and waited in pain ): During this process, we woke many people up cause we were too hungry to remain quiet. Also, one fun part was racing with Ella and Ty in sleeping bags hahaahah, ty looked like a worm while ella looked like a bean HAHAHHAHA. Everyone was practically string at us or judging our intelligence but you know what, YOLO. I don't know when I'm gonna jump in a sleeping bag and race and laugh so much if i don't try!

After the camp, I accompanied my dad for dinner and it broke me when i realised i missed his birthday while going for camp ); I'm sorry daddy, I know I'm not a good daughter but i will try harder to make you proud. Please don't give up on me and thank you for loving me so much, you are the only person who really loves me no matter what. thank you (-:

My dad then sent me to gram's for dinner part 2!!! She cooked my fav: chicken rice and my aunt ordered pizza too. Then, we had mooncakes from royal park and shangri-la ?? (ok i kinda forgot the names). Sadly, we didn't order birdnest mooncakes this year ): Those are my all time favourite mooncake, oh and wu ren also...if only someone can recommend me where to buy wu ren. It's hard to find one good one though and my mum doesn't really approve of sweet stuff. 


Woke up early and worked from 11-10. Had a H2H with Siva again and sigh, every talk makes me so depressed hahahah sigh ): Cried on the way home AGAIN and maybe that's the reason why I'm here typing all these out. 

Sigh M, don't be so withdrawn anymore. You are worrying me and as a friend, I should ask if you are ok but I really doubt you'll care and you don't even talk to antoinette ppl anymore. We are once good friends (I thought) and I really don't want anything bad to happen to you. Hearing about this today made me really sad, you aren't even a really quiet guy on the inside. What happened? Wtf I saw a guy that's looks abit like you (height and shoe) and a part of me still wished it's you so I can ask you if you're ok because I do mean what I say when I told you that I will listen to your problems like how you listen to mine.

Siva, hearing your story made me really sad. You love her wholeheartedly but she didn't. Love isn't fair. You waited for her while she already left. You still feel all these while she is indifferent to you. She used you and you let her. All because of the fact that you miss her. Still, you kept believing she miss you. Yes she do, maybe, but things will never go back to where they are. Give up and stop hurting.

And to me, I have to stop caring because all these is gonna hurt me so bad. It's already hurting me now.

"Be more concerned about your character than your reputation"-John Wooden

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Happy Teacher's Day

Happy teachers day to all the teachers who are so loving and dedicated. Tbh, i don't think any teacher really likes me. I'm not very good or very bad for teachers to really notice me. I'm always kinda under appreciated sigh and i'm forever struggling with popularity. It's somehow so important to me to be popular, constantly surrounded people who are popz ( some don't even know they are popular). There's this thought that's always telling me that if you aren't popular, you are nothing. Like the dust in the air, like the weeds among the flowers, you are nothing. You mean nothing. And this troubles me alot, more than i should. I know this thinking is really bad but i really want to be popular ): And this is why i hate myself, I'm always looking down on others and I know that I shouldn't. In fact, I can't. I have no right to.

On a lighter note, I went back to anderson today and I'm really happy to see so many familiar faces. The people, or rather some made me realized that I need them. They really make me feel so comfortable and I'm really happy i feel that way around my poly friends too. I don't miss my sec sch friends that much as others do because I'm enjoying life in poly and it shows that i should keep it up! Nonetheless, it was really great to see them again, like how much we've changed in one year!! Went home with steph and truth to be told, I really miss her but I accept the fact that this is all we can ever be: friends. We can't progress to close or best friends but I'm just really thankful that we are still friends despite everything that has happened last year. Talked about poly, jc and friends made me really happy that it's still so easy to talk to her.

Went home and did household chores hahahaha and i flared up cause my mum cooked tomatoes and fish which I absolutely freaking HATE. I really abhor the smell of fish and the squishiness of tomatoes so it was really a struggle to finish it. I admit I was really rude as my emotions got the better of me. I need to keep my temper in check. I really hate fish and tomatoes that i can cry eating them lol that's how much i hate it.

Having subcomm camp tomorrow and I'm not rly looking forward to it. I haven't even fill up the form or pack anything unlike the previous times ): Feeling so lazy and I doubt it'll even be fun. Plus, I have to leave early to rush to my gram's to celebrate my sis bday sigh. It's gonna be tiring these two days and I still have work on Sunday. Skipping my band pracs for this camp so it better be good.

I hate my guts.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Be fit, not fat

Hi guys!

Woke up today to a good start by having 3 slices of walnut bread coated with Nutella mmmmm *~*
Headed to have some Korean food at my fav restaurant and shopped for awhile before watching City of Bones. Bought a 'fault in our stars' FINALLY NOW I CAN CRY LIKE OTHERS DID WHILE READING IT LOL.

Anyway i spent 13.90 on a cleaning swab for my bass clar meh ugh. Why are you not taking care of the instrument huh my dear junior? Feeling irritated that i have to spend my own money on a OLD bass clar because the new one is sent for repair (I chose to believe it's your fault tsk) plus i didn't get any pay on sunday ): Can everyone just let me whine about it.....stop saying it's a lesson learnt because i really really forgot about it unintentionally and this lesson cost me $77?????

Besides all this shit that i bought ( which I will regret when I'm broke), I purchased craft supplies for Alina's birthday hheheheeh but it's goddamn expensive too sobs and I treated my sis to today's lunch so bascially i spent 70++ = Sunday's pay.

Today's lunch was superb though, had pork, fried chicken and spring onion pancake. After eating all that, i felt fat and guilty. I need to start exercising so please give me strength to persevere pretty please. People need the strength to study, I need it to lose weight. Either way sucks though hmmm i shld start reading and live my life the way i want. Time to make a change during the holidays and I'm so excited to see what changes will there be in my life by October ;-)

Let me be something small yet significant in your life like your house keys . Something so small in your everyday life yet something that's so important and without it, your whole day is ruined. 

Monday, September 2, 2013

Life isn't fucking fair

Wanted to wake up at 8 today to study but i decided to reward myself for working so hard yesterday that i slept till 8.30 lol. I guess I'm really quite hard on myself, forever treating myself to such cruelty and always being so uptight and stuff ugh. I. NEED. TO. LOOSEN. UP. Had Antoinette cake and Project Runway for breakfast ehehehehh before i start to read up on all my take home assignments. Then, i left home but i was the latest fml sometimes i really wonder why did i choose to go TP.

They brighten my life :-)

Had lunch then off we go for stats!!! The paper was freaking two hours which reminded me so much of secondary school days but i finished it in an hour oops hahahahha not tryna brag HEHEHEHE. ok but i did use the remaining hour for checking and I'm feeling quite confident about it so hopefully it shows on the paper!

After the paper, Ella, Atiqah and I walked ALL the way from TP to Tampines which is like a 20 minutes walk... thankfully it was breezy if not i could have died under the hot sun with such a heavy bag. Bathed and messaged jacky about yesterday's pay and it turns out they won't pay me.

Seriously, da fuck? basically i worked for 11 hours for free and i forgot cause i was rushing home to study and just cause i forgot, no pay???? I worked, okay? WHAT THE FUCK LA BASICALLY I JUST WORKED FOR FUN AND I FUCKING HATE WORKING UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

and ed still owes me 200 bux fuck work la kns

I may have to kill someone if i don't get an A for stats after all this shit i went through

I need to talk to you and i miss you so much. I need you to reassure me and i have so many things going on in my life right now. I miss you so badly but i don't have the courage to face you. I miss Nov-April, the days you encouraged and inspired me and taught me so many things.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Why I hate working

Worked from 11-10 yesterday and i forgot to punch my card wtfffffffffff  was rushing to study for stats test that i completely forgotten about it sigh, i really hope one of them did help to check my punch card though sobs. Went to meet ah xian to go home together and we had a talk about me. Again. Well, he kept saying i wasn't smiling and i should smile,something that i really dislike people saying about me. Why is everyone so concerned whether I'm smiling anot????? Does it really matter????? Why is it so important for me to smile huh???

Being really frustrated, i told him so many things that happened in Antoinette that made me hate work. I hate serving people. I hate it. People always treat me like shit, having so many ridiculous suggestions that i lost faith in humanity. The people in Antoinette, i can't really trust. Like Edwin, I lent him 200 bux because he needed it and he didnt return despite me reminding him again and again. Then, Huisi. I told her to not tell anyone and she told Mel... wow and she calls me two-faced. And now, I'm just sad we don't talk anymore and a part of me believes we ran out of topic. But so? Even if we DID ran out of topic, his impression of me would've totally changed, right? To him, I'm probably a tattletale now and I don't even know how to face him. All this bullshit makes me hate work. And ah xian says i shouldn't even try to ask ed for the money anymore but still.... it's the 200 bux i earned sigh and this is one hell expensive lesson to learn.

Talked to Siva and i felt so sad, like really sad. My heart just fell when he told me he still love J no matter what even if she'll never go back to him. He still wears the couple necklace they had and the watch she bought for him. He still put her name under 'baby' and it has been five months since they broke up.

J did have a attitude problem but his love for her made me feel so stupid. Here I am, wishing for something called love and thinking it's so beautiful but actually, love is so painful. People my age are talking about love as a fantasy, holding lands, forehead kisses but love isn't just that. There's a heartbreaking side to it and we failed to see it. And yesterday, Siva showed me that side of love. I can't even bear to put myself in his shoes, loving someone so much but it's all going to be futile because that person is never gonna love you back.

Then, M. His love story isn't smooth-sailing and i feel so bad for him, someone that doesn't share his feelings or thoughts openly, to keep all this pain in his heart. How much can he bear before he break? And then yz and edwin. They do love each other but ed has a drinking addiction. These three pairs of lovers in Antoinette taught me to not wish for love anymore. I don't want to be hurt again and i should focus on improving myself before i think about love. Love will come to me when the time is right.

I went home with such a heavy heart that i cried. I feel so horrible and disgusting and so betrayed and so foolish. Yesterday taught me so many things that it totally changed my perspective in life. There are so many kinds of people in this world and i learnt to not trust people easily anymore. I have to stop the thinking that the world is fucking fair because it isn't. The world isn't fair. There are gonna be people to pull you down and you have to be prepared for that. I  have to grow up and face reality. Gone were the days where everyone has a good side

And i hope this post explains why i hate work so much plus the fact that i have to wipe cutlery and clean toilets and scoldings from the chefs when there is wrong orders or whatnot.