Sunday, September 1, 2013
Why I hate working
Being really frustrated, i told him so many things that happened in Antoinette that made me hate work. I hate serving people. I hate it. People always treat me like shit, having so many ridiculous suggestions that i lost faith in humanity. The people in Antoinette, i can't really trust. Like Edwin, I lent him 200 bux because he needed it and he didnt return despite me reminding him again and again. Then, Huisi. I told her to not tell anyone and she told Mel... wow and she calls me two-faced. And now, I'm just sad we don't talk anymore and a part of me believes we ran out of topic. But so? Even if we DID ran out of topic, his impression of me would've totally changed, right? To him, I'm probably a tattletale now and I don't even know how to face him. All this bullshit makes me hate work. And ah xian says i shouldn't even try to ask ed for the money anymore but still.... it's the 200 bux i earned sigh and this is one hell expensive lesson to learn.
Talked to Siva and i felt so sad, like really sad. My heart just fell when he told me he still love J no matter what even if she'll never go back to him. He still wears the couple necklace they had and the watch she bought for him. He still put her name under 'baby' and it has been five months since they broke up.
J did have a attitude problem but his love for her made me feel so stupid. Here I am, wishing for something called love and thinking it's so beautiful but actually, love is so painful. People my age are talking about love as a fantasy, holding lands, forehead kisses but love isn't just that. There's a heartbreaking side to it and we failed to see it. And yesterday, Siva showed me that side of love. I can't even bear to put myself in his shoes, loving someone so much but it's all going to be futile because that person is never gonna love you back.
Then, M. His love story isn't smooth-sailing and i feel so bad for him, someone that doesn't share his feelings or thoughts openly, to keep all this pain in his heart. How much can he bear before he break? And then yz and edwin. They do love each other but ed has a drinking addiction. These three pairs of lovers in Antoinette taught me to not wish for love anymore. I don't want to be hurt again and i should focus on improving myself before i think about love. Love will come to me when the time is right.
I went home with such a heavy heart that i cried. I feel so horrible and disgusting and so betrayed and so foolish. Yesterday taught me so many things that it totally changed my perspective in life. There are so many kinds of people in this world and i learnt to not trust people easily anymore. I have to stop the thinking that the world is fucking fair because it isn't. The world isn't fair. There are gonna be people to pull you down and you have to be prepared for that. I have to grow up and face reality. Gone were the days where everyone has a good side
And i hope this post explains why i hate work so much plus the fact that i have to wipe cutlery and clean toilets and scoldings from the chefs when there is wrong orders or whatnot.