Thursday, October 23, 2014

You disappoint me.

Today, I cried.

I cannot take it anymore.

It's like I have nothing to find fault with but yet I can pinpoint so many instances where i felt so upset. I feel so small, so worthless in this "family" and this is not how it's supposed to be.

The way you phrase those words, you don't know how much you hurt me. I'm someone who take my work seriously and I do deliver results. But, you said it as if I don't put in any effort.

The fact that I got this post because I'm a female is already depressing enough so why do you wanna rub salt in my wounds.

You keep hurting me again and again and you think that I will always forgive you. Well, you're right. I will. I will let you hurt me over and over again and I cannot stop myself. I want to hate you so badly but I can't. I cannot bring myself to hate you. I always subject myself to sadness and self-blame instead of channeling those emotions into anger.

Those words are so clear that I can hear them in the back of my head still. I still feel that pain when I read "xx is a better treasurer than you are." That 8 words is enough to condemn me to nights of self-hate which I blame myself for not stepping up. I tried.But no matter how I try, the barrier is already there. It feels like I'm trying to jump past this wall to the other side but I couldn't. I'm just watching others jump past it smoothly, taking what's mine.

I feel so desperate, desperate for a chance to shine.

I need to show that I am the diamond among the unpolished ones, I need to show the world that I am not weak. Or rather, myself. I need people to trust me.

Most importantly, I need your trust.

Why can you trust him but not me?

Why can't you do the same for me?

Why troy why?

//This freshman orientation better work. It's already bad being the head of a department nobody wants and it does not get better with people telling me I can "revamp" it. But, the people have been very encouraging and it's heartening to know they have such faith in me. I can only try and pray everything goes smoothly. If it doesn't, I just know that my one year in main comm will be the biggest regret of my life because it has caused me lots of pain so far and I have not recovered from that blow.

god please place your faith and trust in me and make me trust myself too. Make me strong enough to do this. I cannot lose. I cannot afford to lose my pride. There's nothing left of me if my pride is taken away. Let me protect and fight for what's mine. Let me win. I need to win.

// Today, I realized that I have friends who reply 2 messages and they expect me to be alright again. Thank you to the one that never gave up. Thank you so much, you are the best.

I love you so much and I don't know what will I ever do without your constant support the past two years.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Blood and tears

hello. Recently, life sucks. There's nothing major happening right now except preparing for my Cambodia trip on the 9th and going for DnD meetings.

Had PCO camp last week and overall, it was a success. The programme flow, activities, everything was brilliant. We finished the mc debrief in thirty minutes, something sharon and troy said never happened.

Went for a nightwalk at design and slept for 2 hrs before proceeding to mass games wet games final clash break camp.

I think this PCO camp has made me braver? In a way. Also, it made me more popular because people knew I was the camp commandant of the camp plus all of them loved the camp.

Things were going well. But, a few days ago. We were made to submit our preferences to troy for FO. I didn't know what I want. I really didn't. I just know that FA is the supposedly fun one while the rest sucks.

How am I going to choose?? I hate prog but prog seemed like a better choice then foodmin or log. I will not forgive myself if I put foodmin or log as second choice and got it. Thus, I put FA then prog.

But prog is really not my forte. I cannot tape props for nuts. I hate brainstorming and creating games. I hate it.

Now I just feel so nervous and jittery at the thought of FO. Either way, all posts suck. There are pros and cons in each post and idk if I'm willing to sacrifice for this FO.

Also, dickson has been really fucking annoying with all those bullshit of ATT being annoying. I guess he finds it annoying because the limelight isn't on him???
Fuck him and his self righteous beliefs that he's good and correct. He isn't. He can be wrong. People shouldn't support him because he's handsome. He isn't even that funny. I hope someone crushes his self esteem, crushing it so badly that he can never held his head high.

People like him need a wakeup call that they don't call the shots. That's what a hierarchy is for so you better get your fucking ass down.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014


you know that feeling you get when your heart just plummets down and then there's no way to stop that horrible feeling and you feel so scared, scared out of your wits and you cannot help but gasp and pray that nothing goes wrong.

yeap. thats just how I feel today.

the clubroom key was with me all along and being so fucking stupid, I thought it was with the others. Got a call from Celine from SAA where she expressed her anger on me then I realised the key has not been returned. Panicked like shit to only realise the key is with me 2mins later. Not that Im unhappy, I'm so glad I found the key thank god but it's with me???!!! fucking careless of me to leave the key like this. what is wrong with my memory.

Thank god the key is in my BAG and not in my pockets or whatwver if not I will really freak out and die. First thing I'm gonna do when I reach school tomorrow is to get rid of that key and pray that nothing like this will ever happen again. Such a scary feeling and it's even scarier than receiving your exam results because the fear of losing something is really terrible plus main comm life isn't exactly what I like.

Recently, I have beem really stressed abouy PCO camp sigh. Glen told me it's gonna be okay but I still have this fear within me and I cannot help but feel that I am not prepared for this. Usually, I'm always prepared and calm and collected but recently, I feel so out of place and nervous and worried. Maybe because this camp I feel uncomfortable working with main comm (ppl like troy) which made me more afraid to open myself and my ideas to others and I feel like I have to seek consent although its MY camp.

I don't like the feeling of letting people down so today feels utterly terrible, the 80 bux lamps and the SAA key sigh can I quit life right now and be artsy fartsy and paint and draw and listen to cool music and read books and chill.

Had a bad start today with me realising the triangular gardens is booked so we are unable to hold our dry run and me rushing to school to only realise glen was in school so he could actually go to SAA and book courts.

Life has been hard on me recently and I feel so tired rushing around making people happy, and not myself.

sigh I cannot wait for PCO camp to be over )-:

Also, A managed to make me happy today and I like iy wejn he gives me the wink HAHA but oh well, as usual, he stopped replying halfway and it makes me so sad and disappointed that he can tweet/instal but not reply me??? Plus he was the one that started it gosh. Am I not enough for you to stay? I know you think about your ex and stilll but am I not important?? or am I important to the extent of you thinking of me everyday but not fun enough to entertain you??? Can you please please please reply me. I'm even  begging you to not leave this hanging.

going sch tomorrow to do props and then off to troy hse for dinner and then off to celebrate jacky bday.

may tomorrow be the opposite of today: Less fear, more laughter


Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Roses and Moon

Hi to the nonexistent readers out there, sorry for the hiatus as recently im so busy with tests assignments feelings and life. Thought it will be better once holidays start but im so drained already with only 6 days of holidays. Life pretty much revolves around going to school to prepare for PCO camp and oh, i got into the committee of dnd so yeap bye to my tues and wed nights (all spent on meetings and meetings)

Camp is coming on the 19th and im pretty much afraid?? First big event of my life which involves so many people and this camp affects my main comm life (seriously), one wrong move and my hopes of being an FA will be crushed. So yeah, my life is now hanging on a fine thread and PCO camp is the best way to prove myself to everyone.

Recently, I've been talking to A and it makes me very happy somehow?? We went out twice, once for coffee and once to school and it's been pretty enjoyable and he called me up twice too and we talk pretty much everyday. But, one thing is, he replies very slow, I'm serious, like those 1-2hr break and our convo dont even last for thirty mins wth. Today, he didnt even reply me but he can tweet/insta.

Why? Am I not good enough for you to talk to me? If that is really so, why did you even start texting me and i rather we skype because that's the only time we talk, like really talk.

Another day of bitterness. Another day of disappointment. Another day of sadness.


Wednesday, July 16, 2014


Talked to Aaron today and I cried.
He finally said sorry and all these feelings I have been hiding, like the guilt in me when I talked about him came rushing back and tears just started rolling down. I just love all of you so much <3

Hyurak can never be replaced and thank you for the wonderful talk today Aaron on what to do and I will try my best to make you proud. I'm so glad that you have a lot of respect for me (':

You and Zoe will be my favourite seniors forever and thank you for loving and protecting me
 I love the two of you

Friday, July 4, 2014

A broken jar

I cried today. ok it's more of tear. because I felt so bad. I felt so guilty. I feel like I didnt do my part as a friend. I felt like I betrayed them by bringing up hyurak past and I felt so bad for saying out how I feel because I still love nicole and Aaron no matter what. I feel like if I have to choose again, I will still choose this path. I feel so bad as a main comm member by revealing huimin and zoe out and I want to defend them but I know that I cannot take sides. That guilt I felt then was so overwhelming that I wanted to scold myself for letting things out. I know I didn't do anything bad by saying it out but I feel so bad.

I only felt better after their reassurance and in the end I was upset I ended getting none of them. They weren't even under me. They were under people they dont even know. It's not a good thing but it's the best and I know that through this I just have to still let them know I'm here for them.

This internal struggle feels like me giving up on  them and I feel so torn omg.

talked to junice today and now I understand her reason for going to HSS. I really feel that she's a good gl because she has such good intentions and people like me shouldn't even deserve to be here in main comm. I feel like I'm the worst. I need to be better and step up.

but honestly, if i have to choose again,  I will choose Hyurak no matter what. it made me realised how much I can take and I really felt loved and protected. even though it wasn't the best in the end, I love each and every of them with all of my heart and I really really love them. I understand their intentions but I feel like I still need to tell someone everything and cry it all out.

Main comm is really challenging for me and I just feel so sad. I feel like I cannot talk to anybody about this. dylan? shiri? I cant possibly talk to Aaron fuck and I love them so much. corn?? but that's fucking weird.

my heart feels torn. maybe I should stop typing and sleep the whole way home. yes I should. its alot to take in for a day.



felt so much better after crying yesterday but that guilt is still there and i swear i will make it up to you Aaron not matter what because without you, I'm nothing.

don't worry about me anymore

Sunday, June 15, 2014

humans to animals

Just had this thought that people always complain about being human, like being human is a torture, life is a torture. But to me, it's not at all? Sure, we have our ups and downs but then again, I rather be human than animal. I rather feel and express and be free. I'm not saying that animals cannot express themselves but i feel that animals cannot understand their surroundings, like life has no meaning. It's about survival and may the best win. Humans have that too but at least our life has more meaning like we try to understand ourselves, make sense of the world, find a purpose and not just live aimlessly. We can break routines, think for ourselves and we are just more well built to do more stuff. Also, we are more intelligent and we are more creative.

There are also useless reasons like we can dye our hair, wear nice clothes, surf the net, sing and eat a huge variety of food.

Poems always make life sound deary, sad, boring like insects are better lovers than us what not. But, life is not just that? Maybe it's the sad poems but they always make life seem dull and we should all be animals and just love wholeheartedly. I think the world will be in chaos if we do that, this is why we have common sense. And this means i wont give up my life for you like some insects die so their lovers can eat them to reproduce. No, i don't want. yeah it's noble but i don't want? I don't want to sacrifice myself and it's not like i saved the world, i just sacrificed myself so my lover could do this. So, no.

Being human is good. I rather feel hurt than be an animal and just live for the sake of living. I want to do what i want, think for myself, do something meaningful and have a purpose in life.

I never want to die doing nothing. This is why I'm pushing myself constantly to live everyday to the fullest, trying new things,crossing boundaries, stepping out of comfort zone, learning to appreciate everything around me.

I may not have everything but i feel like I'm on the way to something big. I'm constantly improving myself to be ready for next day's challenge. I push myself to be better than i was yesterday and to have no regrets.

I write down what makes me happy every single day. I dont go to bed unhappy. I joined main comm. I made more friends. I express my love for my friends more. I work hard. I shop. I try to be productive every single day. And, this made me a happier person, so much happier than before, trying things i never would and discovering things about me that i never thought i could achieve.

Life is currently good to me and im so thankful like how everything is falling into place. i'm glad i fractured my toe because if i didn't, i would have joined tri and i wouldn't be in maincomm. Tri is definitely an experience but main comm really made me more open and i learn to be comfortable in my own skin. I didn't get to go japan but it's ok? I can still go next time and this week has been good too :-)

Today, or rather yesterday, was father's day! Bought 2 ralph lauren shirt with my sis to surprise dad and he was so happy? Like he didn't say i love you those stuff but he wore it immediately and say it's nice and he was really happy and I'm glad that i made him happy, at least that day. Also, he has been really supportive in the whole main comm thing and this is really different to sec sch days. He used to be against band or anything that made me have lesser time to study. But, this time, he encouraged and congratulated me when i got in and i think this makes me more confident and i opened up to my parents more, sharing about the main comm stories. It's been a few years since i opened myself up as i used to shut myself out and study or use phone or just go out. When I'm home, i don't talk about myself, i just keep quiet or give attitude. That's all.

I'm just really thankful that i became who i am today.

On a side note, I'm going to pluck my brows tomorrow yay cheers to nice and neat brows and i finally get to meet up with alina and maybe i can shop more.

so, would you rather be human?

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

11 June 2014

I got into main comm and I'm the head treasurer wow

When i first heard the news that i got in, i was just so fucking relieved. I got 79 votes only and i really thought i will not make it but i got in, the lowest obviously. What came next was a surprise, we were told to state our preferences and i put head treasurer as first choice, knowing that ty will get it but no, I got it.

I was so surprised that i teared.

Me? Out of all people, me? The person with the lowest votes got to be head? Wow. So happy and thankful that Sharon gave me a chance and then on monday, ty called. He wanted to change cause he wasn't happy with the arrangement and his tone was really scary. But then, he had a talk with jovan and everything turned out okay. He called to apologize later which was totally fine by me. Up till now, it still feels a little surreal that I'm in main comm.
Anyway, had lunch at Ella's before she flew and it was a great lunch although there were no h2h. it made me really miss sem 1.1 where we had h2h often and we were so close but now everyone is so busy that there's no time to chill, relax and talk.
Just watched tvd and its so sad )': my heart really cannot take it that damon has died. Him?????? why?
need to start being organised and shit and it's time to read books and watch movies and relax

Friday, May 23, 2014

i don't know what i want

I joined main comm lol.
All those late night talks of telling myself i shouldnt and now, i've already submitted the form, campaigned, gave my speech and results will be out on mon.

So afraid that i won't get in but I'm afraid of committing too. I know it's gonna be super hard either way and i thought of backing out halfway so many times but i can't. I will hate myself even more. If i don't get in, i probably cannot take it and im so scared history will repeat itself (not getting a top post in band) and i really want to get in now. I cannot lose out now. I cannot. Pls let me get in and i will show everyone what i will do just to serve the school. Let me get in please

Monday, May 12, 2014



really thank god for times like these. Was still pondering over today main com stuff. I didnt tell anyone about it because i dont want to seem like i want it. In fact, i want it. I really do. And i'm ashamed to tell people i want to be part of HSS main comm. I say i dont like to work with the people. Frankly, i dont think thats the real problem. I dont allow myself this because i dont have good intentions. This doesnt mean i will go around killing people LOL it just means i went against my principles. It means i joined main comm not because of the people like to serve them but rather, just for the title.

I dont like staying back in school. I dont like putting in so much effort. I only want the popularity. I just want to be part of it and be special and be exclusive. Thus, im really thankful somehow i stopped myself for going for it. I know that even if i go, it will be one hell of an experience and there will be a lot of memories and friendships formed.

ugh fuck this im still confused.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

I'm alone

Wednesday was a really good day because I was grouped together with shiri and ella for TNS and I had a talk with nic and finally everything is cleared. She finally said a sincere sorry and not saying sorry just because she's 'told to'. She apologised for defaming me and talking about me behind my back. Then I reached home for a nice dinner and bird nest as dessert.
I was also preparing for triathlon which happens on thursday and I wanted to get my towel from the drawer.

Then, I accidentally slammed my toe against the metal bed frame. It's the super strong kind and immediately I felt pain. I thought the pain will lessen after awhile but it didnt? There was like a dull ache but I kinda ignore it and just ice and then put some bruise cream. I already have a feeling I cracked my toe but I just try to block that info out. Then I went to sleep.

 I really cannot walk. Every step hurts and I feel so useless and upset because im really looking forward to trials and now, gone. Thankfully aaron said it's ok but then today I had to visit the doc alone??? Nobody even fucking bother to like really ask if im ok (except shiri). Ella was being bitchy as usual and like it didnt even sound sincere?? And atiqah just brush it off. Good job guys!!!!!!!! So nice of you to just ignore me. Zoe ignored me too yay. Zhiyi also (most probably sch work).

Then as if I didnt feel bad enough, after visiting the gp, mum called to scold me saying im wasting my time and I didnt call to ask and made decisions on my own. Yeah fuck you all yesterday when I wanted to visit doc and I was obviously in pain but you all dismiss it as nothing then when I try to do smth about it, you criticise the way I do it and wow why didn't you even call to ask how am I and yesterday you still ask me to go to school when I obviously cant even really walk?? Why are you all like this to me wtf

Yeah as if I wanted this. You all dont even know I wanted to join triathlon and you all just keep saying im clumsy. Yeah Yeah I wanted this to happen to me. It's my fault but don't you think im upset too?

At polyclinic now and I just want to get this over and done with. Thank god for painkilles, now I feel so much better and I realised I need to be strong and stop being whiny or wimpy.

P/s a thank you to the aunty on the bus just now who taught me how to go polyclinic even tho I still got lost. Thank you for caring about me compared to my mum who's screaming her head off because I visited the gp. And yeah I always spend your money thanks for hurting my feelings mum

And today, i got asked to join main comm AGAIN. I think i sitll wont accept it even tho a part of me really wants it because i dont want to worry and i know that that's just a short-term happiness.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014


I feel like getting a tattoo but i dont think my parents will ever allow and the indecisive me cant even customise a bag so how the hell can i decide on what tattoo to get. Fell sick and the doc say my rashes are happening frequently cause of my sensitive skin so im on a one-month medication ):

Anyway, i feel like everyone around me is growing up like going clubbing/overseas or like getting tattoos and im still here, at the same place. Nothing really changed and i dont know whether i shld be happy or sad about this but today i decided to join mentoring to get some seal pts and to also do smth meangingful and hopefully learn smth along the way.

I'm thankful that i have so many close friends and all i need is a text message and i dont have to try so hard to maintain the friendship cause they are always there for me and i feel so blessed and happy <3 really thankful for each and every one of them and they are the friends whom you dont need to talk to 24/7 but they are always here for you.

Feel like drawing tonight ehheheeh and i'm gonna make 2014 a year with no regrets and hopefully i will become a better person by the end of this year.

Monday, April 21, 2014

i take it back


21 April 2014

I C-riously think that you are very handsome heehehhehehe but i know that you will never like me...but still im happy that we sat next to each other today. why are you so cute???????
Hyurak jamming session tdy and i got a free red bull yeapz first day of sch was not that bad and im really thankful for cannot sia gang!!!

Oh and im now the assistant treasurer LOL and debbie surprised us with fresh strawberries tdy yumzzzz im rly grateful for today

Thursday, March 27, 2014

27 March 2014

happy birthday. You were once someone of importance of me and it's a pity that we can only be acquaintances. This fate that we have, should end soon. I will never be close friends with you and I've since accepted that. I just hope that you will be healthy and happy.
Been really tired lately, busy with orientation and work. These few weeks been really fun but my body has been showing signs of fatigue like pimples, eye bags and i feel moody these days. Had a five-hr shift today, it's enough to make my feet ache and curse at stupid customers and be pissed off for no reason. Tomorrow's my off day (literally nothing to do) and I'm excited at the thought of lazing around watching movies, drawing and listening to music.

Need to cherish tomorrow before i welcome another week of hell (which i secretly like)

Also, I realized that my portfolio has nothing. need to do some mentoring soon lol becus i have nth to my name sobs, cca open hse faster come pls so daniel can assign me to teach kids math.

My results were meh but i'm kinda lucky i guess to score Bs when some subjects i really didnt put in as much effort as i shld, need to work hard next sem!

(that's what i always say)

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Thoughts that ran thru my head today

Been wasting my days doing nothing productive and my stamina (work wise) is getting worse. No longer can i work for 12 hrs straight without feeling shitty/tired/sad.
Replayed "All of Me" the whole day and i just want to get married NOW and be blissfully happy with my husband. I want to be loved too.
Today was damn boring. Work was shitty and i feel that i got compared to others and i lost cause i wasn't as pretty as her but i was too lazy to show my unhappiness.
I realized that i portray myself as this cool person with a laid-back personality, someone who don't get agitated easily when actually, I'm the most short-tempered person. (to important matters)
Need to read some encouraging quotes becus i just feel like crying these days and for no reason at all

Thursday, February 27, 2014


i finally joined insta with the help of my persistent empire mates hahhahaha

ok thats all


Wednesday, February 26, 2014

fuck everyone


Wednesday, February 19, 2014

I'm the most awkward person you've ever met

Made friends with shaq today :) he said I'm as awkward as him and that's really not a compliment LOL and today... i messed up sigh i was so awkward around shaq and afiq??????? In the end, i gave myself away as afiq's angel -cries-

My thoughts are all jumbled up and i really hope that my evening run later can cheer me up. On a side note, I'm still trying to list the things that made me happy everyday but it's so hard to think of events on days like these. But, i believe strongly in myself. I did not get into hyruak by chance so i'm going to work hard to prove that Aaron made a right choice in accepting me into hyruak.

Really grateful to have Aaron :') the best FA ever and honestly, the only FA i can imagine myself sharing secrets with and i will show shaq that i can overcome this and be like him too.
"no matter how bad you fuck up, or makes mistakes you've made during this year, your life, your eternity. You're always allowed to be better"- Donald Glover

Thank you zhiyi for attempting to cheer me up with quotes; the only thing that really motivates me to step up and change my life around, for the better.


Wednesday, January 29, 2014

You're so fine

A tweeted the bobthebuilder challenge
MM approached me today hehehehehe
two presentations done today
talked to ryan today
invited to sing k with yy n friends
skipping sch tmrw

what's there not to be happy about?



Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Can i be that special friend that you're willing to give up popularity for

Hi to anyone who has stumbled upon this meaningless space...
Deshi has been really good these days, so blessed and thankful to have them with me :-)
All those days of petty quarrels are over and i really feel like i belong here, they are my pillars of strength and there's nothing in the world that i will trade them for. Yesterday, the four of us decided to leave Rainbow. Sem 1.1 will always be the best sem ever, to me. The sem that was so fun, carefree, laughing everyday and not caring about seniors. Nowadays, it's more about impressing people.

I realised that i try to steer clear of all these but recently, i began thinking about it again.

I wish to be your friend...becus you're popular ):

This is bad because i know that if i try to be popular,I will only regret it in the end. I will get hurt, like always.

But the longing to be your friend is too much to bear.

Can I? Can I just be someone who means alot to you? I don't want to be popular, i just want to be close friends with popular people so i can listen to their problems and be happy that i know them and i mean alot to them. That's all i want. Being popular requires too much commitment. I just want to be the friend that is ranked first in your heart and that is enough for me.

Can you help me to fufill my wish?

help me.



Monday, January 27, 2014


"A mermaid found a swimming lad,
Picked him for her own,
Pressed her body to his body,
Laughed; and plunging down
Forgot in cruel happiness
That even lovers drown.”

—William Butler Yeats

so sad and unmotivated. fuck

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Counting Stars

Hello guyszz,

sorry for not updating much, these few weeks have been just...BUSY. Been rushing homework, assignments, projects and final-sem exams are just around the corner sigh )-: but im trying to stay positive, listing out every little thing that makes me happy everyday, so far so good hahaaha

Deshi has been really funny recently and im really thankful i didnt give up on this friendship although the lonely hearts club are very close now. Talked to aaron about all these friendship problems and im so glad he understands and supports me, the best FA ever :'-)

Tried drawing as a way to release stress and i think i found my new hobby hehehe although i can't draw exceptionally well. It's not that good, but it's still presentable. I'm just really thankful that i started 2014 on a good note and im gonna try my best to make 2014 one of the best years in my life.

OTC is slowly approaching and i really hope that i can be hgl. It's gonna be hard but i will try my best and hopefully, everyone will support me. I want to be myself and love myself, it's gonna be tough but i will try.

"Rather be someone's shot of whisky than everyone else's cup of tea"


Wednesday, January 1, 2014


Happy new year !!!!!!!!!!

So so so glad 2013 is over hahahahah it's not a good year for me at all ):
cried and got hurt at the start of the year and i really learnt alot more about how selfish some people are and who are my true friends.

My new year resolutions are:

1. Lose weight
2. Read more books
3. Not popularity-orientated
4. Save up to 5.5k
5. Have fun and be more loving
6. Better temperament

That's it hahahahah hope i can strike some off soon teehee

-crosses fingers-