Thursday, December 19, 2013

I have been called 'insignificant'.

I have moved on from that.

I have decided that whatever you all label me as, I don't care. I don't care about what people think of me as long as I believe in myself. Besides, I gave up on popularity cause that's not who I am. I tried to be once in secondary school and I never succeed. Even the friends I've made aren't through popularity. They were genuine friends, the very first to love me for who I am: a listener. I listen. I don't talk alot at the start unless we are very close or I feel a need to start conversation to prevent awkwardness. Basically,  I listen to people's problem's and offer encouraging words and im their emotional support. That's what I do.

Popular people on the other hand, they are loud. They shine. They listen lesser. They love the spotlight. They are friendly, funny, but most importantly they are loud. They are too loud that it's hard for them to settle down and listen. Popular people are fun people, they don't dwell on sadness. But me? I'm engulfed in sadness because I listen to people's problems. If people don't tell me their problems, there's no topic between us. I'm fun-loving but I attract sadness more. I survive on sadness. Sadness pushes me down and forces me to strive harder and be better while happiness is something that's keep me sane sometimes. I'm never really a happy person. People may see me as someone who's very nice and laughs at everything but I'm not genuinely happy. Sure those things do make me happy but not for long. It takes alot to make me happy. I can be happy cause I said a good joke and I bought a pretty top but it isn't enough to keep me happy the whole day. However I feel happy when people share their thoughts with me and have intellectual conversations. I will just go on and on and feel really happy cause I became wiser. I will feel happy if im productive too. Call me boring or whatever but those are really things I prefer and popularity can't give me that. Socialising is really tiring to me and I don't have the commitment. I don't have the time to keep chatting on whatsapp chats and go for outings and take photos and spend money. Im not rich too. Plus popularity will cost me my family time. At this time, I can't abadon my family again. That's what I did in secondary school. I didn't know how to juggle. I chose band. And that led me to here.

Not that it's bad but if I have to choose again, I don't know if I will choose band. Sure, band was fun and it's a second family but the commitment is too much. Two concerts every year, five aspects of leadership,  blue blood culture.  It's too huge a commitment st a young age of 13. It's like signing up for a family when I already have one. You are expected to perform well in everything and then, the politics. The thing I hate the most: politics.

You have to be good to attract people who will give you an advantage. You have to play politics, choose and take sides. It's certainly not a pretty sight. You have to suck up and suck it up. You have to be strong. People aren't going to choose you just cause you're nice. You have to be strong. You have to prove it. And that's painful cause I was under-appreciated before. I have been alone before. I have expected too much and I crashed. I cried. I suffered. Band is really the most life-changing experiences to me. And I don't know if im willing to go through all that. Because of band, I became friends-orientated too. I abandon my family.

No comments:

Post a Comment