Blood and tears

hello. Recently, life sucks. There's nothing major happening right now except preparing for my Cambodia trip on the 9th and going for DnD meetings.

Had PCO camp last week and overall, it was a success. The programme flow, activities, everything was brilliant. We finished the mc debrief in thirty minutes, something sharon and troy said never happened.

Went for a nightwalk at design and slept for 2 hrs before proceeding to mass games wet games final clash break camp.


I think this PCO camp has made me braver? In a way. Also, it made me more popular because people knew I was the camp commandant of the camp plus all of them loved the camp.

Things were going well. But, a few days ago. We were made to submit our preferences to troy for FO. I didn't know what I want. I really didn't. I just know that FA is the supposedly fun one while the rest sucks.

How am I going to choose?? I hate prog but prog seemed like a better choice then foodmin or log. I will not forgive myself if I put foodmin or log as second choice and got it. Thus, I put FA then prog.

But prog is really not my forte. I cannot tape props for nuts. I hate brainstorming and creating games. I hate it.

Now I just feel so nervous and jittery at the thought of FO. Either way, all posts suck. There are pros and cons in each post and idk if I'm willing to sacrifice for this FO.

Also, dickson has been really fucking annoying with all those bullshit of ATT being annoying. I guess he finds it annoying because the limelight isn't on him???
Fuck him and his self righteous beliefs that he's good and correct. He isn't. He can be wrong. People shouldn't support him because he's handsome. He isn't even that funny. I hope someone crushes his self esteem, crushing it so badly that he can never held his head high.


People like him need a wakeup call that they don't call the shots. That's what a hierarchy is for so you better get your fucking ass down.

Drowning

you know that feeling you get when your heart just plummets down and then there's no way to stop that horrible feeling and you feel so scared, scared out of your wits and you cannot help but gasp and pray that nothing goes wrong.

yeap. thats just how I feel today.

the clubroom key was with me all along and being so fucking stupid, I thought it was with the others. Got a call from Celine from SAA where she expressed her anger on me then I realised the key has not been returned. Panicked like shit to only realise the key is with me 2mins later. Not that Im unhappy, I'm so glad I found the key thank god but it's with me???!!! fucking careless of me to leave the key like this. what is wrong with my memory.

Thank god the key is in my BAG and not in my pockets or whatwver if not I will really freak out and die. First thing I'm gonna do when I reach school tomorrow is to get rid of that key and pray that nothing like this will ever happen again. Such a scary feeling and it's even scarier than receiving your exam results because the fear of losing something is really terrible plus main comm life isn't exactly what I like.

Recently, I have beem really stressed abouy PCO camp sigh. Glen told me it's gonna be okay but I still have this fear within me and I cannot help but feel that I am not prepared for this. Usually, I'm always prepared and calm and collected but recently, I feel so out of place and nervous and worried. Maybe because this camp I feel uncomfortable working with main comm (ppl like troy) which made me more afraid to open myself and my ideas to others and I feel like I have to seek consent although its MY camp.

I don't like the feeling of letting people down so today feels utterly terrible, the 80 bux lamps and the SAA key sigh can I quit life right now and be artsy fartsy and paint and draw and listen to cool music and read books and chill.

Had a bad start today with me realising the triangular gardens is booked so we are unable to hold our dry run and me rushing to school to only realise glen was in school so he could actually go to SAA and book courts.

Life has been hard on me recently and I feel so tired rushing around making people happy, and not myself.

sigh I cannot wait for PCO camp to be over )-:

Also, A managed to make me happy today and I like iy wejn he gives me the wink HAHA but oh well, as usual, he stopped replying halfway and it makes me so sad and disappointed that he can tweet/instal but not reply me??? Plus he was the one that started it gosh. Am I not enough for you to stay? I know you think about your ex and stilll but am I not important?? or am I important to the extent of you thinking of me everyday but not fun enough to entertain you??? Can you please please please reply me. I'm even  begging you to not leave this hanging.


going sch tomorrow to do props and then off to troy hse for dinner and then off to celebrate jacky bday.

may tomorrow be the opposite of today: Less fear, more laughter


Goodnight.

Roses and Moon

Hi to the nonexistent readers out there, sorry for the hiatus as recently im so busy with tests assignments feelings and life. Thought it will be better once holidays start but im so drained already with only 6 days of holidays. Life pretty much revolves around going to school to prepare for PCO camp and oh, i got into the committee of dnd so yeap bye to my tues and wed nights (all spent on meetings and meetings)

Camp is coming on the 19th and im pretty much afraid?? First big event of my life which involves so many people and this camp affects my main comm life (seriously), one wrong move and my hopes of being an FA will be crushed. So yeah, my life is now hanging on a fine thread and PCO camp is the best way to prove myself to everyone.

Recently, I've been talking to A and it makes me very happy somehow?? We went out twice, once for coffee and once to school and it's been pretty enjoyable and he called me up twice too and we talk pretty much everyday. But, one thing is, he replies very slow, I'm serious, like those 1-2hr break and our convo dont even last for thirty mins wth. Today, he didnt even reply me but he can tweet/insta.

Why? Am I not good enough for you to talk to me? If that is really so, why did you even start texting me and i rather we skype because that's the only time we talk, like really talk.

Another day of bitterness. Another day of disappointment. Another day of sadness.

Goodnight.

Forgiven

Talked to Aaron today and I cried.
He finally said sorry and all these feelings I have been hiding, like the guilt in me when I talked about him came rushing back and tears just started rolling down. I just love all of you so much <3

Hyurak can never be replaced and thank you for the wonderful talk today Aaron on what to do and I will try my best to make you proud. I'm so glad that you have a lot of respect for me (':

You and Zoe will be my favourite seniors forever and thank you for loving and protecting me
 I love the two of you

A broken jar

-4/7/2014-

I cried today. ok it's more of tear. because I felt so bad. I felt so guilty. I feel like I didnt do my part as a friend. I felt like I betrayed them by bringing up hyurak past and I felt so bad for saying out how I feel because I still love nicole and Aaron no matter what. I feel like if I have to choose again, I will still choose this path. I feel so bad as a main comm member by revealing huimin and zoe out and I want to defend them but I know that I cannot take sides. That guilt I felt then was so overwhelming that I wanted to scold myself for letting things out. I know I didn't do anything bad by saying it out but I feel so bad.

I only felt better after their reassurance and in the end I was upset I ended getting none of them. They weren't even under me. They were under people they dont even know. It's not a good thing but it's the best and I know that through this I just have to still let them know I'm here for them.

This internal struggle feels like me giving up on  them and I feel so torn omg.

talked to junice today and now I understand her reason for going to HSS. I really feel that she's a good gl because she has such good intentions and people like me shouldn't even deserve to be here in main comm. I feel like I'm the worst. I need to be better and step up.

but honestly, if i have to choose again,  I will choose Hyurak no matter what. it made me realised how much I can take and I really felt loved and protected. even though it wasn't the best in the end, I love each and every of them with all of my heart and I really really love them. I understand their intentions but I feel like I still need to tell someone everything and cry it all out.

Main comm is really challenging for me and I just feel so sad. I feel like I cannot talk to anybody about this. dylan? shiri? I cant possibly talk to Aaron fuck and I love them so much. corn?? but that's fucking weird.

my heart feels torn. maybe I should stop typing and sleep the whole way home. yes I should. its alot to take in for a day.

goodnight

-today-

felt so much better after crying yesterday but that guilt is still there and i swear i will make it up to you Aaron not matter what because without you, I'm nothing.

don't worry about me anymore

humans to animals

Just had this thought that people always complain about being human, like being human is a torture, life is a torture. But to me, it's not at all? Sure, we have our ups and downs but then again, I rather be human than animal. I rather feel and express and be free. I'm not saying that animals cannot express themselves but i feel that animals cannot understand their surroundings, like life has no meaning. It's about survival and may the best win. Humans have that too but at least our life has more meaning like we try to understand ourselves, make sense of the world, find a purpose and not just live aimlessly. We can break routines, think for ourselves and we are just more well built to do more stuff. Also, we are more intelligent and we are more creative.

There are also useless reasons like we can dye our hair, wear nice clothes, surf the net, sing and eat a huge variety of food.

Poems always make life sound deary, sad, boring like insects are better lovers than us what not. But, life is not just that? Maybe it's the sad poems but they always make life seem dull and we should all be animals and just love wholeheartedly. I think the world will be in chaos if we do that, this is why we have common sense. And this means i wont give up my life for you like some insects die so their lovers can eat them to reproduce. No, i don't want. yeah it's noble but i don't want? I don't want to sacrifice myself and it's not like i saved the world, i just sacrificed myself so my lover could do this. So, no.

Being human is good. I rather feel hurt than be an animal and just live for the sake of living. I want to do what i want, think for myself, do something meaningful and have a purpose in life.

I never want to die doing nothing. This is why I'm pushing myself constantly to live everyday to the fullest, trying new things,crossing boundaries, stepping out of comfort zone, learning to appreciate everything around me.

I may not have everything but i feel like I'm on the way to something big. I'm constantly improving myself to be ready for next day's challenge. I push myself to be better than i was yesterday and to have no regrets.

I write down what makes me happy every single day. I dont go to bed unhappy. I joined main comm. I made more friends. I express my love for my friends more. I work hard. I shop. I try to be productive every single day. And, this made me a happier person, so much happier than before, trying things i never would and discovering things about me that i never thought i could achieve.

Life is currently good to me and im so thankful like how everything is falling into place. i'm glad i fractured my toe because if i didn't, i would have joined tri and i wouldn't be in maincomm. Tri is definitely an experience but main comm really made me more open and i learn to be comfortable in my own skin. I didn't get to go japan but it's ok? I can still go next time and this week has been good too :-)

Today, or rather yesterday, was father's day! Bought 2 ralph lauren shirt with my sis to surprise dad and he was so happy? Like he didn't say i love you those stuff but he wore it immediately and say it's nice and he was really happy and I'm glad that i made him happy, at least that day. Also, he has been really supportive in the whole main comm thing and this is really different to sec sch days. He used to be against band or anything that made me have lesser time to study. But, this time, he encouraged and congratulated me when i got in and i think this makes me more confident and i opened up to my parents more, sharing about the main comm stories. It's been a few years since i opened myself up as i used to shut myself out and study or use phone or just go out. When I'm home, i don't talk about myself, i just keep quiet or give attitude. That's all.

I'm just really thankful that i became who i am today.

On a side note, I'm going to pluck my brows tomorrow yay cheers to nice and neat brows and i finally get to meet up with alina and maybe i can shop more.

so, would you rather be human?

11 June 2014

I got into main comm and I'm the head treasurer wow

When i first heard the news that i got in, i was just so fucking relieved. I got 79 votes only and i really thought i will not make it but i got in, the lowest obviously. What came next was a surprise, we were told to state our preferences and i put head treasurer as first choice, knowing that ty will get it but no, I got it.

I was so surprised that i teared.

Me? Out of all people, me? The person with the lowest votes got to be head? Wow. So happy and thankful that Sharon gave me a chance and then on monday, ty called. He wanted to change cause he wasn't happy with the arrangement and his tone was really scary. But then, he had a talk with jovan and everything turned out okay. He called to apologize later which was totally fine by me. Up till now, it still feels a little surreal that I'm in main comm.
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Anyway, had lunch at Ella's before she flew and it was a great lunch although there were no h2h. it made me really miss sem 1.1 where we had h2h often and we were so close but now everyone is so busy that there's no time to chill, relax and talk.
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Just watched tvd and its so sad )': my heart really cannot take it that damon has died. Him?????? why?
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need to start being organised and shit and it's time to read books and watch movies and relax