Forgiven

Talked to Aaron today and I cried.
He finally said sorry and all these feelings I have been hiding, like the guilt in me when I talked about him came rushing back and tears just started rolling down. I just love all of you so much <3

Hyurak can never be replaced and thank you for the wonderful talk today Aaron on what to do and I will try my best to make you proud. I'm so glad that you have a lot of respect for me (':

You and Zoe will be my favourite seniors forever and thank you for loving and protecting me
 I love the two of you

A broken jar

-4/7/2014-

I cried today. ok it's more of tear. because I felt so bad. I felt so guilty. I feel like I didnt do my part as a friend. I felt like I betrayed them by bringing up hyurak past and I felt so bad for saying out how I feel because I still love nicole and Aaron no matter what. I feel like if I have to choose again, I will still choose this path. I feel so bad as a main comm member by revealing huimin and zoe out and I want to defend them but I know that I cannot take sides. That guilt I felt then was so overwhelming that I wanted to scold myself for letting things out. I know I didn't do anything bad by saying it out but I feel so bad.

I only felt better after their reassurance and in the end I was upset I ended getting none of them. They weren't even under me. They were under people they dont even know. It's not a good thing but it's the best and I know that through this I just have to still let them know I'm here for them.

This internal struggle feels like me giving up on  them and I feel so torn omg.

talked to junice today and now I understand her reason for going to HSS. I really feel that she's a good gl because she has such good intentions and people like me shouldn't even deserve to be here in main comm. I feel like I'm the worst. I need to be better and step up.

but honestly, if i have to choose again,  I will choose Hyurak no matter what. it made me realised how much I can take and I really felt loved and protected. even though it wasn't the best in the end, I love each and every of them with all of my heart and I really really love them. I understand their intentions but I feel like I still need to tell someone everything and cry it all out.

Main comm is really challenging for me and I just feel so sad. I feel like I cannot talk to anybody about this. dylan? shiri? I cant possibly talk to Aaron fuck and I love them so much. corn?? but that's fucking weird.

my heart feels torn. maybe I should stop typing and sleep the whole way home. yes I should. its alot to take in for a day.

goodnight

-today-

felt so much better after crying yesterday but that guilt is still there and i swear i will make it up to you Aaron not matter what because without you, I'm nothing.

don't worry about me anymore

humans to animals

Just had this thought that people always complain about being human, like being human is a torture, life is a torture. But to me, it's not at all? Sure, we have our ups and downs but then again, I rather be human than animal. I rather feel and express and be free. I'm not saying that animals cannot express themselves but i feel that animals cannot understand their surroundings, like life has no meaning. It's about survival and may the best win. Humans have that too but at least our life has more meaning like we try to understand ourselves, make sense of the world, find a purpose and not just live aimlessly. We can break routines, think for ourselves and we are just more well built to do more stuff. Also, we are more intelligent and we are more creative.

There are also useless reasons like we can dye our hair, wear nice clothes, surf the net, sing and eat a huge variety of food.

Poems always make life sound deary, sad, boring like insects are better lovers than us what not. But, life is not just that? Maybe it's the sad poems but they always make life seem dull and we should all be animals and just love wholeheartedly. I think the world will be in chaos if we do that, this is why we have common sense. And this means i wont give up my life for you like some insects die so their lovers can eat them to reproduce. No, i don't want. yeah it's noble but i don't want? I don't want to sacrifice myself and it's not like i saved the world, i just sacrificed myself so my lover could do this. So, no.

Being human is good. I rather feel hurt than be an animal and just live for the sake of living. I want to do what i want, think for myself, do something meaningful and have a purpose in life.

I never want to die doing nothing. This is why I'm pushing myself constantly to live everyday to the fullest, trying new things,crossing boundaries, stepping out of comfort zone, learning to appreciate everything around me.

I may not have everything but i feel like I'm on the way to something big. I'm constantly improving myself to be ready for next day's challenge. I push myself to be better than i was yesterday and to have no regrets.

I write down what makes me happy every single day. I dont go to bed unhappy. I joined main comm. I made more friends. I express my love for my friends more. I work hard. I shop. I try to be productive every single day. And, this made me a happier person, so much happier than before, trying things i never would and discovering things about me that i never thought i could achieve.

Life is currently good to me and im so thankful like how everything is falling into place. i'm glad i fractured my toe because if i didn't, i would have joined tri and i wouldn't be in maincomm. Tri is definitely an experience but main comm really made me more open and i learn to be comfortable in my own skin. I didn't get to go japan but it's ok? I can still go next time and this week has been good too :-)

Today, or rather yesterday, was father's day! Bought 2 ralph lauren shirt with my sis to surprise dad and he was so happy? Like he didn't say i love you those stuff but he wore it immediately and say it's nice and he was really happy and I'm glad that i made him happy, at least that day. Also, he has been really supportive in the whole main comm thing and this is really different to sec sch days. He used to be against band or anything that made me have lesser time to study. But, this time, he encouraged and congratulated me when i got in and i think this makes me more confident and i opened up to my parents more, sharing about the main comm stories. It's been a few years since i opened myself up as i used to shut myself out and study or use phone or just go out. When I'm home, i don't talk about myself, i just keep quiet or give attitude. That's all.

I'm just really thankful that i became who i am today.

On a side note, I'm going to pluck my brows tomorrow yay cheers to nice and neat brows and i finally get to meet up with alina and maybe i can shop more.

so, would you rather be human?

11 June 2014

I got into main comm and I'm the head treasurer wow

When i first heard the news that i got in, i was just so fucking relieved. I got 79 votes only and i really thought i will not make it but i got in, the lowest obviously. What came next was a surprise, we were told to state our preferences and i put head treasurer as first choice, knowing that ty will get it but no, I got it.

I was so surprised that i teared.

Me? Out of all people, me? The person with the lowest votes got to be head? Wow. So happy and thankful that Sharon gave me a chance and then on monday, ty called. He wanted to change cause he wasn't happy with the arrangement and his tone was really scary. But then, he had a talk with jovan and everything turned out okay. He called to apologize later which was totally fine by me. Up till now, it still feels a little surreal that I'm in main comm.
-
Anyway, had lunch at Ella's before she flew and it was a great lunch although there were no h2h. it made me really miss sem 1.1 where we had h2h often and we were so close but now everyone is so busy that there's no time to chill, relax and talk.
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Just watched tvd and its so sad )': my heart really cannot take it that damon has died. Him?????? why?
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need to start being organised and shit and it's time to read books and watch movies and relax

i don't know what i want

I joined main comm lol.
All those late night talks of telling myself i shouldnt and now, i've already submitted the form, campaigned, gave my speech and results will be out on mon.

So afraid that i won't get in but I'm afraid of committing too. I know it's gonna be super hard either way and i thought of backing out halfway so many times but i can't. I will hate myself even more. If i don't get in, i probably cannot take it and im so scared history will repeat itself (not getting a top post in band) and i really want to get in now. I cannot lose out now. I cannot. Pls let me get in and i will show everyone what i will do just to serve the school. Let me get in please

小镇姑娘

你属于零。永远记住，那是最原始的自己。
在个世界里很容易失去自己。你一定要坚强。

really thank god for times like these. Was still pondering over today main com stuff. I didnt tell anyone about it because i dont want to seem like i want it. In fact, i want it. I really do. And i'm ashamed to tell people i want to be part of HSS main comm. I say i dont like to work with the people. Frankly, i dont think thats the real problem. I dont allow myself this because i dont have good intentions. This doesnt mean i will go around killing people LOL it just means i went against my principles. It means i joined main comm not because of the people like to serve them but rather, just for the title.

I dont like staying back in school. I dont like putting in so much effort. I only want the popularity. I just want to be part of it and be special and be exclusive. Thus, im really thankful somehow i stopped myself for going for it. I know that even if i go, it will be one hell of an experience and there will be a lot of memories and friendships formed.

ugh fuck this im still confused.

I'm alone

Wednesday was a really good day because I was grouped together with shiri and ella for TNS and I had a talk with nic and finally everything is cleared. She finally said a sincere sorry and not saying sorry just because she's 'told to'. She apologised for defaming me and talking about me behind my back. Then I reached home for a nice dinner and bird nest as dessert.
I was also preparing for triathlon which happens on thursday and I wanted to get my towel from the drawer.


Then, I accidentally slammed my toe against the metal bed frame. It's the super strong kind and immediately I felt pain. I thought the pain will lessen after awhile but it didnt? There was like a dull ache but I kinda ignore it and just ice and then put some bruise cream. I already have a feeling I cracked my toe but I just try to block that info out. Then I went to sleep.


 I really cannot walk. Every step hurts and I feel so useless and upset because im really looking forward to trials and now, gone. Thankfully aaron said it's ok but then today I had to visit the doc alone??? Nobody even fucking bother to like really ask if im ok (except shiri). Ella was being bitchy as usual and like it didnt even sound sincere?? And atiqah just brush it off. Good job guys!!!!!!!! So nice of you to just ignore me. Zoe ignored me too yay. Zhiyi also (most probably sch work).


Then as if I didnt feel bad enough, after visiting the gp, mum called to scold me saying im wasting my time and I didnt call to ask and made decisions on my own. Yeah fuck you all yesterday when I wanted to visit doc and I was obviously in pain but you all dismiss it as nothing then when I try to do smth about it, you criticise the way I do it and wow why didn't you even call to ask how am I and yesterday you still ask me to go to school when I obviously cant even really walk?? Why are you all like this to me wtf


Yeah as if I wanted this. You all dont even know I wanted to join triathlon and you all just keep saying im clumsy. Yeah Yeah I wanted this to happen to me. It's my fault but don't you think im upset too?


At polyclinic now and I just want to get this over and done with. Thank god for painkilles, now I feel so much better and I realised I need to be strong and stop being whiny or wimpy.


P/s a thank you to the aunty on the bus just now who taught me how to go polyclinic even tho I still got lost. Thank you for caring about me compared to my mum who's screaming her head off because I visited the gp. And yeah I always spend your money thanks for hurting my feelings mum



And today, i got asked to join main comm AGAIN. I think i sitll wont accept it even tho a part of me really wants it because i dont want to worry and i know that that's just a short-term happiness.